The deal is done
by Suolucidir
Summary: They had a plan. A damn good one. But they should have known: nothing ever goes according to plan. Takes place in and after 2x15. A story in which Lexa falls apart (and gets it back together) and Clarke buries her emotions to cope. - CLEXA (endgame)
1. Chapter 1

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**Enjoy and feel free to review!**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

They had a plan. A strategy. Indra would get through the tunnels, Raven would blow up the dam, they would blast open the door, they would get their people out, blood would have blood, and Lexa was taking Clarke to Polis.

Invincible. That is how Lexa felt. Yes, the door was closed. But that was going to change. Lexa had faith. Standing in front of that door, under the moonlight, with Clarke by her side and her warriors surrounding her on every side, Lexa felt invincible.

They had a plan. A damn good one. But Lexa should have known: nothing ever goes according to plan.

They have one minute to get through that door. _One minute!_ It all happens so fast, and yet it feels like an eternity. The lights dimming, a sign that Raven had succeeded (of course she had), her hands brushing Clarke's as they try to blast the door. There is no time to revel in the soft feeling of Clarke's hand as they push the button, because something is wrong.

Nothing is happening. She pushes down the momentary panic. They try to get closer, but are forced to retreat in the face of the sudden shooting, she shouts an order and her warriors try again now surrounded by shields, but it fails and the mountain claims its first casualties.

Time is running out. But Lexa is unfazed. She remains confident and calm. This is after all, not her first battle. Plan B. Lexa goes after the shooters while Clarke mans the door, ready to barge in.

She takes a group of her warriors and they race through the woods quickly but quietly, so they can circle around to the top of the cliff where the mountain men are shooting at her people, are shooting at Clarke. She's ready to fight. Ready to take out every one of them fucking bastards.

When they get through the clearing, she doesn't see any shooters. Just one man, not wearing a hazmat suit, standing in front of an opening in the mountain. She furrows her brow in confusion, before barking out an order.

_Bring me his head! _

Three of her warriors rush forward to do as she demands, but the man steps aside and it gives her a glance into the opening. A glimpse of what's beyond. What she sees makes her pause and she calls out to her warriors to wait.

What she sees makes her blood run cold. It's her people. Many of them she recognizes, many she knows the names of, many have fought by her side. She thought she'd never see them again, she thought they were dead.

It breaks her heart to see them like this. Forced on their knees wearing nothing but a couple of white rags. Looking tired and pale and weak and defeated and humiliated. Behind them are the soldiers of the mountain. They have their guns trained at her people. Ready to kill.

Her mind races through the possibilities, but she knows, that if she charges the opening, her warriors will never make it in time. The mountain men's guns are too fast. All her people will fall, one after the other.

"Let my people go or I will run my sword through your heart", she snarls at the man.

"Letting your people go is exactly what I intend to do", he replies calmly.

She's surprised, but it doesn't show. Her eyes remain cold and hard as one of her eyebrows raises in question. She nods her head at the man for him to continue.

"All we ask is that you and your warriors leave the perimeter of the mountain. If you retreat, your people will be released to you."

"You do know, we are about to crash down your wall and will kill every one of you when we do?", Lexa asks him.

"I do, but by the time you make it in, every one of your people will have been shot down. If it is war you want, go back to the door and fight. You may kill us all, but you will be too late. By the time you are done you will find your people lying in a river of blood. If, however, all you want is the safe return of your people, you may have them as long as you agree to leave."

What Lexa wants is both her people back and the blood of every soldier in that mountain. But if she can only have one, she knows what she must do. A war is not worth winning, an enemy is not worth defeating, if the people she came to rescue will not live to see another day. So she will accept the deal.

"Every one of my people will be released?" Lexa questions just to be sure.

"Yes"

"And what about afterwards? How can we be sure you won't kidnap my people again?"

"As long as your people stay at least 5 miles away from the mountain on every side, no harm will come to them"

"How can we be sure your word can be trusted. It is after all, our blood you need to survive, is it not?" Lexa all but spits at him.

"Not anymore, as long as we have the sky people, we have no need for the blood of your people." He smiles as he says it.

Lexa freezes, and all of a sudden she can hear her heart beating erratically, her blood pumping in her veins. Lexa had been so wrapped up in the alliance with the sky people, in her connection and trust with Clarke, that she had stopped seeing them as two separate people. They were united together.

And it was only now, with that man and his disgusting smile, talking about the blood of the sky people, that the truth hits her. This deal was only for her people. Clarke's people were not included. They were still going to die.

She couldn't accept that. They were allies after all, they were in this together.

"You will release every single one of my people, as well as every single one of the sky people. Immediately. Then we will retreat and leave you to your mountain. If you refuse, your death will be the first of many deaths tonight. Those are my terms. " Lexa's gaze is unwavering and fierce as she stares at the man.

He blinks in surprise. He hadn't expected her to be bothered with the fate of less than 50 people, people who were not her own.

"If that's the case, I guess we'll have to refuse". He remains calm and smug. He motions backwards and before Lexa knows it, 5 quick shots are fired in a row and she watches five of her people behind the opening crumble and fall. She hears her warriors gasp in surprise and outrage, but they do not move, they wait for her command.

"I am not bluffing Commander. Accept our deal, retreat and no more of your people will be killed. What do you care about the sky people?" The man looks at her, waiting for her answer.

The truth is Lexa cares a great deal. She may have never met them, but they are Clarkes people and she knows how much Clarke loves them and how much the deaths of her friends will hurt her.

Lexa has fought many wars and forged many alliances. She has never hesitated and has always been confident. But for once she is speechless and knows not what to do. In the distance she hears a loud blast, signalling that Clarke has managed to open the door, but she cannot bring herself to feel proud about it. Instead she feels helpless knowing she must choose between two evils.

How did this happen? They had had a plan. She remembers Clarke's words, they would _be back home, before mount weather even knows they're gone_. But the mountain had figured them out and now there was no way of getting her people out. Her earlier energy and feeling of invincibility was gone. She felt tired. Tired of being a leader. Tired of always having to make the impossible choices.

She knows what she must do. Take the deal. Save her people. But every time she tries to say the words, to tell that man "we accept your deal", she remembers Clarke and she can't get the words out.

It feels as if she stands there in silence for hours thinking in circles, but really it is only a matter of seconds. She's shaken out of her train of thought by the hoarse shouting of someone beyond the opening.

"Heda, save us." One of her people calls out.

And then she looks at them. Really looks at them. They still look tired and worn, but at the sight of their commander, they no longer look defeated. Even as some of them lie dead in front of them, they look at her, their commander, and she sees the hope shining in their eyes. They have faith in her. They know why she is there - to save them - and they believe in her.

She realizes that this is not the time for fantasies and wishful thinking. This is not the time to think about what she might lose, but instead to think of what her people might gain. This is the time to think like a leader. To be a leader.

They are her people and she is their Commander.

She takes a deep breath and looks at the man and then, clearly and confidently,

"_We accept your deal". _


	2. Chapter 2

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**Enjoy! Reviews are welcome :****)**

**Chapter 2 **

The sudden onslaught of panic and confusion has past, and Lexa feels strangely calm. Her decision's been made. There is no going back and no point in agonizing over it any further.

She watches as her people stumble out one by one. She focuses all her attention on them, drowning out everything else, including thoughts of Sky People, and it provides her with the calm she desperately needs.

She's shaken out of her thoughts by Emerson's irritating voice. "Now you must hold up your end of the bargain", he demands of her. She knows it's true. Not all of her people are out yet; they probably won't all be let out until she's called her warriors to retreat.

Lexa doesn't answer Emerson, doesn't spare him another glance, but she does turn and head back to the main door. She hears her warriors pull Emerson with them. He's been tied up and she sure as hell won't be releasing him until she's sure all of her people are out and safe.

They reach the clearing just as Clarke succeeds in pulling the door open. Lexa can hear Clarke yelling the order to attack and knows she must act fast. Once her warriors start streaming through that door, thirsty for blood, it will be hard to pull them back and the deal might fall apart.

So sucks in a deep breath and shouts for her warriors to stand down. As Clarke turns around and raises her eyes questioningly at Lexa, Lexa starts repeating a mantra to herself: _stay strong, stay strong, stay strong… _over and over again.

Somehow she succeeds. She meets Clarke's gaze and doesn't look away. She watches Clarke's face closely as Clarke looks around in confusion. She sees Clarke take in a tied up Emerson and the grounder prisoners, previously caged, walking free.

"They're surrendering?" Clarke is surprised, but her eyes shine with hope and relief. Hope that all her people will make it out safely, relief that they won't have to shed blood to do it. The thought that Lexa might be betraying her doesn't cross her mind. Why would it? She has complete and utter faith in Lexa and their alliance.

But then there's Emerson again. With his haughty voice and that god-awful smirk.

"Not quite" is all he says but it's enough to make Clarke question everything.

"What did you do?" Her tone is lightly accusatory, but not overly so. She's mostly just taken aback by the situation, bewildered at the sudden change of events. Lexa can see the different emotions flicker across Clarke's face as she tries to put the pieces together and figure out what the hell is going on.

"What you would have done, save my people" Lexa doesn't know what else to say, doesn't want to go into the details of her betrayal. The 'saving my people' part is definitely the truth, but even as she says the words, a little voice inside her head can't help but wonder: _would Clarke really have done the same thing? _Truth is, Lexa isn't sure.

"Where are my people?" The words come out as barely anything more than a whisper. Lexa can see Clarke trying desperately to push down the fear and the panic. She can see the exact moment the truth hits Clarke and she finally puts the pieces together.

Aside from the fear and the pain, Lexa sees the hurt in Clarke's eyes. She sees the tears beginning to form in Clarke's eyes and Lexa's instincts scream at her to go to Clarke. _To hell with the deal!_ She wants to go to Clarke, to tell her everything is going to be okay. To stand with Clarke and finish what they started.

But she can't. _Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong, stay strong… _For her people, she will see this deal through.

"Sorry Clarke, they weren't a part of her deal" Lexa's answer is superfluous and unnecessary, it only confirms what Clarke had already figured out: that she was screwed, that her people were screwed.

Lexa hates how the words sound almost indifferent coming off of her lips. The words are inadequate to describe how sorry she really is. But she can't dwell on that now. _Stay strong. _

Lincoln shows up, just as confused, not understanding the delay. Clarke explains it to him, her eyes never leaving Lexa's. Lincoln can't put the pieces together quite as fast as Clarke and wonders about the Sky prisoners, his thoughts inevitably jumping to Octavia.

"They'll all be killed, but you don't care about that…" It's a statement, not a question, directed straight at Lexa. This time Clarke's voice is definitely accusatory, the fury and horror she feels seeping through into her words.

"I _do_ care Clarke, but I made this choice with my head and not my heart; the duty to protect my people comes first" Lexa tone is slightly pleading as she wants Clarke to understand, to know that this wasn't an easy decision. That she made the decision as Commander, and not as Lexa. Lexa doesn't even know why she wants Clarke to understand. Clarke probably couldn't care less how easy or hard the decision was. The end result is the same anyways. Clarke and her people are betrayed by Lexa.

"Please don't do this" Clarke is practically begging now because they both know, if the grounders leave, Clarke is not getting into the mountain and Clarke's people are not getting out. Everything will be lost.

"I'm sorry Clarke" Lexa knows not what else to say; there really isn't anything else to say.

"Commander, let us fight" Lincoln tries to persuade her as well, but if Clarke can't succeed in changing her mind, no one can.

"No, the deal is done" It is, it's done. So she cuts Emerson loose as she sees the last of her people walking freely, and she lets him go. He disappears swiftly; a slight spring in his step and Lexa resists the urge to shoot an arrow into his back.

There is nothing Lexa wants more than to leave. To leave the mountain behind and to try and forget the last five minutes. She knows it's selfish, but she doesn't know if she can bear standing in front of Clarke any longer. To see the pain her decision has caused.

As she turns to leave, there are suddenly a lot of things she wants to say to Clarke. That Clarke should leave the mountain behind as well, that she should go back to Camp Jaha where the remaining Sky People still need her as a leader. That she's glad she's met Clarke. That she's learned so much from Clarke. That Clarke has made her a better person. That Clarke should please, please take care of herself and stay safe.

But it is not her place to say such things - not anymore. So she keeps it simple, but honest.

"May we meet again."

The last thing she hears as she strides away is the echo of the door falling shut. There's definitely no going back now, that door won't open a second time.

* * *

The journey back to the village passes in a bit of a haze. Lexa keeps busy.

She checks up on all the freed grounders, makes sure they have enough strength to walk on their own. If not, she sees to it that they are being supported. She makes sure the warriors that died in the gunfire when they had first tried to blast the door, are being respectfully carried back, so that they can be properly released to the spirit world once they reach the village.

She gets reacquainted with all of the freed grounders. Assures them they are safe. Listens to their stories of being caged and offers comfort where she can.

She walks with Indra and discusses the preparations for the feast. Not that she feels like celebrating, but it is the right thing to do. The war with the mountain has passed, there will be no more reapers, and all her people are free at last. Her people deserve a celebration to mark the end of all that. Tonight everyone is clearly exhausted, though. Families will be reunited of course, but the celebration will take place tomorrow. That will give them enough time to hunt and prepare a huge feast.

It is nearing midnight as they reach the village. Lexa had sent a couple of runners ahead to let the village know they are safely on their way back, and so despite the late hour, pretty much the entire village, young and old, is lined up waiting for their return.

"Mamma!" Lexa looks up to the shout of a little boy. She watches him wrestle free from the arms of his grandfather who had been holding him, and sprint straight towards them. She sees Ayasha, one of the grounder women who'd been caged, meet him halfway and sweep him up in a hug, tears streaming down her face.

And for the first time since she'd been presented with the deal, Lexa smiles. She smiles a real and heartfelt smile. She can feel herself relax with the realization that she did this. She had reunited mother and son.

As all her people and warriors slowly seep into the village, the exhaustion seems to fall away and instead there's an atmosphere of awe and excitement. It's as if everyone can't quite believe this is really happening. That everyone really is back. Embraces are exchanged and the air is filled with the chatter of joyful reunions.

Lexa continues to keep busy. She makes sure all those who are hungry, are provided with food. She directs her people as they set up makeshift tents to provide sleeping arrangement for those who are originally from other villages in the area.

Many of the newly reunited families come up to her to respectfully express their gratitude and while Lexa brushes off their praise with the simple explanation, "I was only fulfilling my duty to protect my people", she does always pause to talk to them, to express her happiness that they are reunited and to ensure that they are feeling alright and have everything they need.

The night finally comes to an end and all her people one after the other retire to their tents. Still Lexa keeps busy, walking in circles, tidying up anything in her path - even if it doesn't need tidying. Eventually Indra bids her goodnight and assures her there is nothing left to do.

Suddenly Lexa is terrified. She's kept busy all night, kept all thoughts of the fate of the Sky People out of her mind, that now that she's finally alone, she's terrified of being alone in the darkness of her tent where she knows she won't be able to keep the thoughts and fears away any longer.

So she doesn't return to her tent… not yet. Instead, she waits. She won't sleep, not until she receives word from her spies about what happened at the mountain after she left.

She knew it had been a risk, but still she left two of her spies behind. The mountain men, probably still dealing with the Sky People, would never notice her two spies. They are her best spies, extremely skilled - able to move through the forest without a sound and blend in with their surroundings as if they are simply an extension of the trees themselves.

She commanded them to stay behind and report back to her immediately once they figured out what the Sky People's next move would be. Lexa hoped - she hoped with all her heart - that Clarke has decided to return to Camp Jaha and regroup. Then at least, Clarke would be safe.

Lexa sits on a tree stump at the edge of the village, sharpening her knife as she waits.

Thankfully she doesn't have to wait long. Less than an hour later, Lexa looks up to the sound of footsteps approaching. She resists the urge to jump up and run to them, demanding answers.

Instead she slowly takes in a deep breath, gets up and walks towards them. "What do you have to report?"

"Commander, the Sky People have retreated back to their camp."

Lexa wants to sigh with relief, but she has to be sure. "All of them?" she questions.

She's met with an uncomfortable silence as her two spies glance at each other uneasily, obviously afraid to tell her the whole story.

"Speak true," Lexa demands and her voice rings with authority, leaving no room for argument.

"The mountain captured the two Sky People who blew up the dam…. And they captured the healer and the peacemaker and a few more who were with them….." Lexa feels a pang of sadness as she thinks of Abby and Kane. Yes, they didn't understand the ways of the ground, but nonetheless they were good people - _had been_ good people.

"And…? What else?" Lexa snaps as she quickly grows impatient. She can tell they are still keeping things from her.

"The skai prisa was not with the Sky People as they retreated. She went into the tunnels… and hasn't come out." Her spies, trained to be observant, had noticed how Lexa and Clarke had developed a friendship of sorts and they feared Lexa's reaction to this news.

But they didn't have to worry about Lexa's anger. All the strength leaves Lexa and she no longer has the energy to shout or scream or be angry. All she does is nod her head at them as she turns and strides down the muddy path to her tent.

Her feet feel heavy as they carry her of their own accord back to her tent. Once the flap of the tent closes behind her, Lexa's legs give out underneath her and she sinks to her knees. For in that moment Lexa is sure of only one thing. Clarke is dead.

This is the truth she feared. For Clarke may be strong and smart and determined, and Lexa might want nothing more than to believe that Clarke is fine, but even she knows that Clarke and Octavia, by themselves in those tunnels are no match for the mountain men.

And the mountain men are ruthless and bloodthirsty. There would be no hesitating. They would take what they needed from Clarke, and kill her in the process. Even if Lexa raced back to the mountain now, she'd be too late. Clarke is already dead.

With that realization, comes the realization that just like she had reunited mother and son, she was also responsible for this. She, Lexa, did this. With her treachery she killed Clarke.

Lexa doesn't know when, but at some point the tears start flowing down her face. It's been so long since she's last cried, that the tears feel strange on her cheeks, the salty taste on her lips even stranger.

Her instincts tell her to quit it immediately. To pull herself together. Crying is weakness and she can't be weak. She furiously wipes at her cheeks, frantically trying to bring the image of Ayasha embracing her son to mind, knowing it will ground her. But the only thing she sees is Clarke. Clarke's eyes, directed at Lexa, filled with pain and disappointment. It's an image Lexa knows will haunt her till the days she dies.

Having no energy to crawl to her mat in the corner of the tent, Lexa simply curls herself into a ball as she lies down on the cold, hard floor. She allows herself to drown in memories of Clarke. They're all blurred together: Clarke's blazing eyes, her golden hair flowing in the wind, the feel of her lips, the glances they exchanged, the small smiles they shared. It's a muddy haze of flashes.

With images of Clarke swarming in her mind, Lexa gives up fighting, gives up being strong. And with that the dam breaks, and there's no stopping the tears now. Her body shakes and heaves as her body is wracked with sobs.

She can't bring herself to care though. The war is over, her people are safe. Here, alone in her tent, she doesn't have to be strong. So, she let's herself be weak. She lets the tears flow as she beats her fists against the ground in helplessness and bitterness, as she bites into her arm to hold back her anguished scream as an image of Clarke's lifeless body comes to mind.

Hours later, when the sun is already beginning its slow trek up the sky, Lexa, both physically and emotionally spent, finally feels the darkness overtaking her. She welcomes it. The last thought on her mind before she is finally pulled under into a fitful and restless sleep is that Clarke was wrong about one thing.

Lexa most certainly doesn't deserve better.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! This is probably where Lexa hits rock bottom, which was probably not so fun to read, but that does mean that things can only get better from here on out :) **

**The next chapter will pick up after the fall of the mountain and I may start delving a bit more into Clarke's point of view as well. **

**Stay tuned. Things might not get better immediately, but interactions between Clarke and Lexa are definitely coming up! **


	3. Chapter 3

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**Enjoy! Reviews are welcome : ) **

**Chapter 3 **

Once fallen asleep, Lexa had been completely out of it. Nothing was able to wake her. Not the brightness of the sun, already halfway up the sky, seeping through her tent flaps. Not the chatter of the village as people move about, getting on with their day. Not even Indra banging on the side of her tent and shouting for her is able to pull her out.

When Indra, growing more impatient by the minute, finally barges in, she finds Lexa, wearing the same clothes as the night before, passed out on the floor in what is obviously an extremely uncomfortable position. For a second, Indra fears she might be dead, but when she crouches on the floor by Lexa's side and shakes her a couple of times, Lexa finally stirs.

"huhh?" As Lexa blinks open her eyes, she can't quite remember where she is or what's happened. Trying to get her bearings, she sits up way too quickly, reaching around her to find her dagger. She swears as a wave of dizziness hit her, but waits for it to pass.

As the dizziness clears, however, the hazy fog in her brain lifts as well and Lexa remembers the night before. She remembers Clarke probably being dead and suddenly she wishes that Indra hadn't woken her up, that she could go back to sleep and never wake up.

Lexa slowly rubs circles against her temples in an attempt to alleviate the pounding in her head from the worst migraine she's ever experienced. It's probably from the limited terrible sleep she'd had and the sheer amount of tears she'd cried- that her body was obviously not used to.

She looks up to see Indra watching her closely. "What?"

"You… slept on the floor…? Indra hesitantly questions.

"Yes, I slept on the floor. What of it?" Lexa's tone makes it sound like it's the most obvious thing in the world, as if it was absolutely normal.

Indra knows she has to tread carefully with her questions, but she finds it extremely disconcerting to see Lexa looking like a complete wreck and can't help but ask, "May I ask if everything is alright?"

"No… you may not."

"I'm sorry, Commander, it's just… you look…" Indra's voice trails off as she doesn't quite know how to, or dare to, finish her sentence.

"What? What do I look like Indra?" Lexa snaps. Feeling exposed, crouched on her knees with Indra's watchful eyes on her, Lexa's moves to stand up to gain some composure and dignity. She bites back a groan as she hears all the bones in her body cracking in the process. Everything feels ridiculously sore. It's as if her body is telling her that Indra was right to be confused. Sleeping on the floor like that definitely is not normal - or at least, it shouldn't be.

She leans against the table for support and picks up the scrap of mirror she keeps there. She immediately gets what Indra is going on about it.

Hell, she looks like hell.

She'd kind of forgotten to wash off her war paint the night before and after crying the way she had the result was pretty repulsive. The black watery streaks across her face combined with her eyes still puffy and red, with black bags underneath them made her look anything but fierce. It was a pathetic sight really.

Humiliated that Indra was witnessing the evidence of her emotional breakdown and not wanting to address it, Lexa sighs and tells - no, _commands_ \- Indra to have someone fetch her a bucket of hot water so she can wash up.

Indra nods and turns to leave but hesitates… it pains her to see Lexa like this. She doesn't look like the commander and it reminds Indra that Lexa really is just a young girl carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. A young girl obviously in a lot of pain.

"If this is about the Sky People…" Indra starts, wanting to alleviate Lexa's guilt, but Lexa interrupts her, "Get out!"

Indra immediately knows she's crossed a line and her words tumble out as she quickly apologizes. Young girl or not, Lexa is still commander.

"Indra… If you mention any of _this…" _Lexa vaguely motions to her face, "to anyone I will slit your throat… Now, leave." There is nothing pathetic about the way she looks now. Her eyes blazing with anger, Lexa looks truly terrifying.

But Indra sees it for what it is- just an attempt by Lexa to bury her emotions behind her authority as commander. She wishes she could somehow help Lexa, but if Lexa won't accept her help, then Indra will just keep on doing what she's always done. Stand by her side - no matter what.

It takes Lexa longer than normal to get ready. There is no battle to be fought today, no battle to be planned, which unfortunately means there is no need to wear heavy war paint. There is nothing for Lexa to hide behind.

She scrubs and scrubs her face, and while the paint comes off, the evidence of her tearstained night doesn't fade as easily. Eventually her whole face is red and raw from the scrubbing, but she barely notices. She's frustrated. Frustrated that she's still thinking about Clarke. Frustrated that there are still tears pricking behind her eyelids.

Last night was supposed to be a one time weak moment. But it's morning now, and Lexa can't seem to put the cap back on her emotions. Maybe she never will.

In the end, Lexa chooses to wear paint after all. She draws bright yellow and red streaks across her face. She figures the village will accept her wearing paint if it's bright colors - that way she can tell them it's for the celebration.

The thought of the celebration immediately sours Lexa's mood. Clarke is dead and she is expected to throw a party. What an absolutely ridiculous idea!

But it is what it is. As Lexa puts the finishing touches on her face, she starts repeating her mantra from before, _stay strong, stay strong. _She can make it through today, she just needs to take it one minute at a time.

* * *

Meanwhile at Camp Jaha…

They'd been back for barely a day, but Camp Jaha had been anything but restful. There was an atmosphere of relief in the camp now that everyone was once again together in one place, but there was nothing festive about it. People were too exhausted, too emotionally drained to feel like celebrating.

There was a lot to be done, a lot of people who needed to be helped. They needed more food, more shelter, more protection and Clarke finds herself running from one place to the next.

When Clarke finally allows herself to take a break and eat her evening meal, Bellamy interrupts her peaceful moment by bringing up the very last thing she wants to talk about.

"We need to talk about the grounders" Bellamy starts. He's looking at Clarke, but she doesn't get a chance to respond, as pretty much everyone close enough to hear Bellamy's words, immediately all start talking - or shouting - at once.

_They betrayed us! Let's go kill them! They used us! What if they're coming for us? Let them! The alliance is dead! Savages! They left us to die! They'll kill all of us! We need to attack first! We need to flee! _

The myriad of responses, some scared, many angry blur together as Clarke barely listens. She tries, she really tries to listen, but as she looks around, she doesn't see Sky People, she sees mountain men. _Dead_ mountain men.

_Especially Maya. _Every time she looks at Jasper, she sees Maya, dead on the ground, her face distorted and burned. Every time she sees Bellamy she can feel their hands moving together to pull the lever down, allowing the outside air in, a death sentence to everyone in the mountain. Every time she sees any of the 46, she remembers having to walk through that cafeteria, stepping over dead corpses, to get to them.

And she blinks and blinks and blinks to get the images out of her head, but they won't leave. What does eventually clear her mind are the voices around her, getting louder and louder as everyone wants everyone else to listen to them.

"Everyone, shut up" Clarke finally snaps at them- she regrets it immediately. Because they listen to her, they do shut up. And now she has a crowd of eyes on her. Waiting for her to tell them what she thinks. To tell them what she's _decided. _She's the leader after all, and they'll listen to her.

It makes Clarke feel suffocated and tired, oh so tired. The thing is, she wants to be done making decisions. All that her decisions have ever lead to are dead people. After Ton DC, after the mountain, there are literally hundreds of people dead because of her, because of _her_ decisions.

But everyone is waiting, and you can't just take a break from being a leader, so she finally addresses them.

"Let's post a few more guards around the fence. We can send out some scouts to keep watch and report back if they see any grounders coming our way. Tomorrow we'll continue building up the fence. For now, we stay here. We do not run away and we do not go looking for a fight. Okay? Seriously, guys, we _just_ finished fighting a war… yesterday! Do you really want to fight another?

Clarke sighs and then turns to leave, heading straight to the gate.

Bellamy follows closely behind her. "Clarke, where are you going?"

"Out."

"Why? It's not safe."

"I don't care! I have to get out!" She turns to look at Bellamy and the panic and terror she's been trying to bury all day shines in her eyes.

"Clarke, are you alright? Maybe you just need some rest."

"No, I don't need rest. I need to get out of here. Look, I can't be here, okay? Being here, it reminds me of what we did, what _I_ did. I feel like I can't breathe. Or that I might explode any minute, or just disintegrate or something, I don't know…." Clarke doesn't know how to explain. All she knows is she needs to get out. Now.

"So… you're just going to leave? But we need you. The 46, the Ark people, _me_… we can't do this without you."

"You think I don't know that?" Frustration and irritation seep into Clarke's voice as she pretty much growls at Bellamy. After all, if there's one thing Clarke knows, it's that her people need her. Which is exactly why she feels so incredibly suffocated.

"Look, Bellamy, I get that you're worried. Don't be. I'm coming back, obviously. But right now, too much has happened and everything in my mind is crisscrossed and upside-down. All I feel is guilt and anger and doubt… I'm falling apart, Bellamy."

She motions back towards camp, "Look at them, you saw them just now - they trust me… unconditionally. But I'm in no state to make decisions right now. I can't be a leader, let alone a good one. I can't be the leader they deserve. Not until I clear my head. "

Bellamy shoulders stoop a little as he realizes he won't be able to change her mind. He doesn't know what he'll do around camp without her. He does hope, for her sake though, that she finds what she's looking for.

"Alright, alright… take all the time you need… on second though, not _all_ the time. I'd rather you not take too long" Bellamy kind of smiles at her as he says it, and Clarke actually manages a small smile in return.

"And just so you know Clarke, you're the best leader anyone could wish for."

"I wish I could believe that."

"Stay safe."

"I'll be back before you know it. "

* * *

**I know nothing big really happened in this chapter, but I wanted to go into Lexa and Clarke individually a bit more, before they inevitably meet again. **

**Thanks for reading : ) **


	4. Chapter 4

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**I hope you guys all had a great Easter! Enjoy! **

Chapter 4

_At grounder camp._

The day had actually been going surprisingly well. Lexa was able to keep busy.

Shortly after she had gotten up, they'd left to go on the hunt and that had taken most of the day. She hadn't completely been herself though. She had tried to focus all her attention on the hunt and allow herself to just get lost in it, but thoughts of Clarke had always pulled her back to the bleak reality.

Her concentration remained hazy and her arrows were often slightly off mark, but if her warriors noticed, they made no sign of it. No comment was made and in the end they still brought in more than enough meat.

The rest of the afternoon had been spent setting up decorations and preparing food. As commander, Lexa, had no obligation to help with the little menial things, but for the sake of keeping busy, she did. She weaved flowers together until they formed long colorful strands that could be hung between trees and tents. She skinned the meat, chopped the vegetables, stoked the fire, stirred the stew…

If the villagers hadn't been so surprised by the unusual sight of their Commander moving about them, helping with the simple, mundane tasks, they might have noticed how she never stayed for very long at one station. Helping a little here and there and then quickly moving on to help with the next thing, before getting caught up in conversation. Lexa may have wanted to stay busy, but she also desperately wanted to avoid conversation of any kind.

Once the festivities start, Lexa stands slightly on the outside, leaning against a pole and watching quietly. She can see that it was the right thing to do. For the first time in months her people seem to be relaxing. There is music and dancing and good food. The sound of beating drums mixing with the laughter of children and old alike.

It makes Lexa a little angry. To see her people so happy, when the Sky People are dead. Didn't her people care that the blood of their allies was on their hands as well? She shoves the anger away though. It's her burden to carry, no one else's.

Knowing she can't just stand to the side all night, Lexa forces a smile on her face and moves to join the celebration, when all of a sudden she hears shouting at the edge of the forest.

"Heda! Come quick!"

She races over to see what's going, fearing the mountain men are coming for them after all. She'd left a number of scouts behind in the forest after the hunt. They were to return immediately if there was any sign that the mountain wasn't going to honor their side of the deal.

It's Emerson. Lexa can't help but think that that man really has a habit of showing up at the most inconvenient moments.

Lexa barely recognizes him; he looks so much worse than the last time she had laid eyes on him. He has all the looks of someone completely worn out from running through the forest for hours, if not longer. His clothing hangs loosely on him, ripped in many places. Scratches mar his face and there is dried blood and dirt caked all over.

"Tell your men to let me go! We have a deal." He glares at Lexa. She looks at her guards questioningly because it's true. They do have a deal.

"Why have you brought him here?"

"Commander, when we found him, he was across the line. He was on our territory, running _away_ from the mountain."

"I'm sorry, I must have gotten lost. I didn't attack your people. The deal stands. Let me go or the mountain will be back for retribution." He speaks confidently, but Lexa is good at studying people and something is off about Emerson. His eyes betray a hint of fear.

"Why were you running away from the mountain?"

"That's none of your business. Just let me go." Before he's even finished speaking the words, Indra, who until then had been observing quietly, jumps forward and presses her knife against Emerson's throat. "Do not speak to the Commander like that," she snarls.

"You were past the 5-mile radius that _you_ set, on _our _territory, so it _is_ my business. " Lexa enunciates the words slowly, menacingly.

Emerson sputters and stutters, clearly not knowing how to answer. "I was just looking for something…"

"Looking for what?"

"One of the Sky Prisoners got out… I was trying to track them." His voice wavers and there is no trace of cockiness in his voice now.

"He lies!" Emerson winces as Indra presses her knife harder against his throat, drawing blood.

Lexa nods. It's pretty obvious Emerson is hiding something.

"Do you _really_ expect me to believe that _you_ came out of the mountain, to catch _one_ Sky prisoner, _by yourself? _If what you say is true, tell me, why would a Sky Prisoner be running in the direction of _our_ camp and not Camp Jaha, when they know we betrayed them?"

"Don't ask me…" Emerson mutters.

"But, I _am _asking you. Take a look at yourself. It looks more like _you _were being chased, and not the other way around." Lexa pauses as she takes a few steps closer until she's standing only about a meter away from him. She waits for him to look up, past Indra, who still has her knife at his throat, and make eye contact with her.

"You have _one_ more chance. Tell me _why_ you were running away from the mountain. Tell me _what_ happened _in_ the mountain."

Unable to think of a plausible lie quick enough, Emerson doesn't answer. He knows that the truth will destroy any leverage he might have. The grounders will have no reason to let him go.

Emerson is looking away, so lost in though, trying to think of something, _anything_ to say, that he misses the small nod Lexa gives Indra. Before he knows it, Indra has removed the knife from his throat and with one quick movement, makes a deep cut straight up the front of his stomach. He screams as he doubles over in pain, Indra pushing him against the tree the only thing still holding him up.

"If I have to ask again, you _will_ regret it. Tell. Me. What. Happened." Lexa may sound calm, but she is in fact anything but calm. She needs to know what happened in the mountain. Needs to know the fate of the _Skai Prisa_.

Indra pushes her thumb into the wound she just created, making Emerson twitch in pain. His eyes glaze over and for a second he thinks (and hopes) he might just black out, but it passes. "All right, all right. I'll tell you anything you want to know… It was that bitch! That stupid bitch! She killed my people. Killed them all."

He breaks down then, tears stream down his face as he finally allows the truth to hit him. He lost. He's alone, all alone, at the mercy of the savages.

"How did that happen?" Lexa can feel her heart begin to pound as she waits for his words. She tries to suppress the hope that flutters in her chest - that maybe, just maybe, Clarke is still alive. But she is afraid to give in to the hope, knowing she can't go through the pain of finding out Clarke is dead again.

"She irradiated the mountain, allowed the outside air in. Everyone is dead."

Lexa hears Indra whistle under her breath and mutter, "I did not think the Sky girl had it in her," but she ignores it as she presses on to the most important question.

"What of the Sky People? What of Clarke?"

"They got out."

Lexa begins to smile then, her smile growing wider every second and before long she's grinning. And then she's laughing and laughing. She doesn't care that Indra looks slightly embarrassed on her behalf or that her warriors look away awkwardly, not quite knowing how to act. She just laughs.

Because Clarke lives.

Indra clears her throat to draw Lexa's attention. "What should we do with him, Commander?" Lost in the moment, Lexa had briefly forgotten about Emerson. What were they supposed to do with him?

"You say all your people are dead… Yet you are not. Why is that?" Lexa knows the answer but she wants to hear him say it.

"I have the Sky People's blood." He knows there's no point in lying about it anymore.

Lexa studies him for what seems like a long time, sifting through possibilities, making Emerson squirm and eventually sink to his knees. He just hopes they'll kill him quickly and painlessly.

Finally Lexa turns to her warriors. "Bring him to the prisoner's hut. Have Nyko patch his wound." For a second, Emerson looks up hopefully, but it doesn't last very long. "He has Sky People blood running through his body. I guess that makes him one of them. We shall return him to them as soon as possible." She smirks as she says it, enjoying the look of fear on his face at the thought of being at the mercy of Clarke.

She walks back to the center of the village with Indra, where the festivities have been halted. Many had watched from a distance, straining to hear what was being said. The gist of it - that the Sky People lived - that Clarke of the Sky People had destroyed the mountain - was being passed around like wildfire.

People are muttering excitingly. This was unexpected. This was big. No one quite knows how to respond. Many of the warriors who had trained alongside the Sky People, feel relieved, their guilty consciences eased. Others worry what this will mean for the future.

Worry is the last thing on Lexa's mind, though.

"Trigadekru, hear me now. This is cause for celebration. The mountain has fallen. Blood has had blood. And we do not have the blood of the Sky People on our hands. Tonight, let us forget everything else and celebrate." The people cheer at her words and it doesn't take long before Emerson's interruption is forgotten and the festivities are in full swing again.

Indra, always down-to-earth, has a hard time focusing on celebrating. While she is secretly ecstatic to know that Octavia and Lincoln have survived, she knows better than to think that the Sky People will pick up their alliance as if nothing has changed. She seeks out Lexa, worrying that the Commander's relief may be blinding her to the new dangers that this situation has presented.

"Do you really intend to release the prisoner to the Sky People? Are you sure that it is wise to make contact with them at this time?"

"Relax, Indra, I have not decided what to do with the prisoner. I simply wanted to watch him squirm." Indra smirks at this. She had enjoyed that as well. "I intend to keep the prisoner alive until the scouts we just sent to the mountain return and can confirm what he has told us. We may have further questions based on their report."

Relieved that the Commander is not intending anything reckless, Indra presses on, "If what he says is true, we have to consider what we are going to do with the Sky People."

"What do you mean, what we are going to _do with them?_"

"Commander, they could be a threat. We have broken the alliance and they have good reason to hate us. The fact that they live does not change that we betrayed them."

"If you are suggesting a war with the Sky People, Indra, you are out of your mind." The _last _thing, absolutely the last thing that Lexa is planning to do is initiate a war with Clarke's people.

"I'm not suggesting anything, Commander. Just that we should prepare ourselves. The Sky People will not be quick to forgive or forget."

It's true. Lexa knows this. It pains her to think of Clarke hating her, but for now she ignores the pain, thinking of one thing only. A world in which Clarke hates her, is many times better than a world with no Clarke in it at all.

* * *

_Meanwhile at Camp Jaha... _

"I have to say, when you said you'd be back before I knew it, I honestly didn't think it'd be so soon. Glad you're back though." Bellamy had been manning the gate when he'd seen Clarke returning in the distance and had run out to meet her.

"It's good to be back" Clarke curtly responds as she only half returns the hug that Bellamy sweeps her into. She surveys the camp as they enter. "The walls are looking a bit better. What's the food situation? Have you guys hunted? How are the injured recovering? Raven? My mother?"

Clarke fires off questions in rapid succession. She's back and all business and it throws Bellamy off.

"Everything's fine Clarke… More importantly, how are you though? Did you… uh… find the peace you were looking for?"

"As if…" she scoffs. "Let's be real, there's no peace to be found." A wry laugh escapes her mouth as she says it.

Bellamy is not surprised. She doesn't look like she's found peace. He'd figured as much. There were things that only healed with time, lots of time, and she'd barely been gone for three days - not nearly enough time. She looks just as exhausted and worn out as when she'd left. Maybe even more so as she probably hadn't been eating or sleeping very well - if at all - while out there. There _was_ something different though, but he can't quite put his finger on it.

Noticing Bellamy studying her thoughtfully, Clarke interrupts his train of thought. "I'm fine, Bellamy. I'm back. I _can_ do this." She raises her chin as she says the last part and stares him down, as if daring him to question her, to doubt her.

"I never doubted" Bellamy smiles his trademark, disarming smile, because it's true.

It's the look in her eyes that clues Bellamy in to what's different about Clarke. She's lost the panicked and lost look that had plagued her after the battle at Mount Weather. Instead, it's been replaced by the fierce determination he'd come to know so well since they'd landed on the ground. Clarke was right, she really was back.

"I have to stay at the gate and stand watch. You should go check on your mother. She's doing much better and will be happy to see you. Oh and you should eat something."

Clarke doesn't respond, but simply nods her head at Bellamy's comment. She heads down the path in the direction of her mother's tent, but after a few steps she turns around and calls back to Bellamy.

"By the way, you were right, we should talk about the grounders."

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think :) **

**This was initially also supposed to contain a chunk about Clarke's time in the forest, but I hadn't completely finished that yet and then life interrupted. I didn't want to make you guys wait any longer though, so I figured I would go ahead and post this now. More on Clarke in the next chapter. **


	5. Chapter 5

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**This chapter had lots and lots of dialogue. I hope it's not too tedious. But I just totally love Octavia and Clarke… #badasses **

**Enjoy! **

**Chapter 5 **

Clarke tunes out her mother as Abby goes on and on about how Clarke shouldn't have just left on her own. That it was irresponsible. That she's been worried. Clarke doesn't really pay attention, but absentmindedly taps her foots as she patiently waits for her mother to finish. When she finally does, Clarke switches the topic to more important things.

"Mom, we need to discuss the leadership situation."

There is a painful silence as they both remember Clarke's outburst after they captured Emerson. How Clarke had asserted her own leadership over the chancellorship of Abby. They'd kind of silently agreed to drop it and not bring it up as long as the struggle with the mountain men continued.

"Clarke, a chancellor whose authority isn't respected is pointless. I won't be chancellor if it's a mere formality and you're just going to push through your own decisions and do whatever the hell you want every time you disagree with me. That's not democracy."

"The ground isn't built for democracy, mom. Please tell me you've at least realized that by now." Clarke tries to hide the exasperation in her voice as she regards her mother.

"Maybe it isn't ideal" Abby defends, "but I'm not ready to completely throw it out either. You may be a leader who cares about her people, but who is to say the next leader will be as well? They could end up being a ruthless tyrant. Democracy protects against that."

"This is not the time or place for ideological discussions on government types. Our people have just landed on the ground. We're in the starting phase of building a new civilization from scratch. We need to focus on surviving. The rest will come later."

"So what exactly are you proposing?"

"Give me the chancellorship. Or give it to Bellamy, I don't really care which." Clarke says it calmly as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

But to Abby it's not, "You can't be serious." Abby almost laughs, but the dead serious expression on Clarke stops her and she realizes Clarke is definitely serious.

"Clarke, that is not a compromise. You can't just take the chancellorship because you feel like it. That's not how it works. You have to be voted for."

"You're one to talk." Clarke scoffs as she says it, because Abby wasn't voted for either. "Face it, mom, you're only chancellor because _you_ feel like it. Kane made you temporary chancellor and you didn't give him the chancellorship back when he returned. Heck, you didn't even let Jaha be chancellor and he _was _actually voted for."

"It's not the same, Clarke, I did what…"

"It's exactly the same," Clarke interrupts whatever justification her mother is coming up with. "According to you, the chancellorship belongs to whoever the people choose. Well, guess what? If I tell everyone out there to pack up because we're going to the City of Light, they would do it. If I tell them to arm themselves because we're attacking the grounders, they would do it. And if I tell them to stay where they are and work on the damn fence, that's what they're going to do. They're basically voting through their actions. I mean, admit it, if you tell them anything like that, they're just going to turn and look at me or Bellamy to make sure that's actually the plan."

Clarke regrets saying the last part, it might have been a little unnecessary, and she can see that Abby's hurt by her words, but she's honestly tired of this discussion and a little fed up with her mother's hypocrisy.

"Mom, look, I'm sorry. I'm not here because I'm going to _take_ the chancellorship. I'm asking you to give it to me. If you want to keep it, then keep it. But that's only going to make it lose more of its meaning because people are going to look to me anyways. You're right - people are never going to respect the chancellorship if the authority of the chancellor isn't respected. So give it to me or Bellamy and it will be respected."

Abby knows pretty much everything Clarke is saying is true, but there is still a part of her that feels like she knows better, that she knows what's best for her daughter. And it's not being chancellor.

"Clarke, I know I've doubted your abilities in the past and I'm sorry for that. It's been hard to let go of seeing you as my little girl. Even I have to admit that you're a good leader to these people. You're the reason we are still alive, that I am alive. But even you can make mistakes…" _Trusting Lexa…_ They're both thinking it and Abby looks away awkwardly when she sees a look of pain flash across Clarke's face. When she looks up again a second later, it's gone, replaced by a cold hardness in Clarke's eyes.

Abby presses on, "If you take all the power, who is going to stop you?"

"I'm asking for the chancellorship, not that you destroy the council as well. I know I'm not infallible; I've made mistakes. So put together a new council. Ask around - Kane, Marcus, Raven, Jasper, even Lincoln - pick whoever you want. Bellamy and I will consult with the council before making any big decisions. _I promise." _

"Let me think about it." Abby finally concedes. She's still not entirely satisfied but she knows she won't get anything more out of Clarke. It's already more of a compromise than she had initially expected.

* * *

As the flap of her mother's tent closes behind her, Clarke heaves a deep sigh of relief. Glad that conversation is over.

"That bad?" Bellamy, who'd spotted her coming out of Abby's tent, asks with a grin on his face.

"Could have been worse," Clarke shrugs, "she told me she'd think about it… about giving one of us the chancellorship."

"And if she decides she doesn't want to?" Bellamy questions.

"Then I guess we'll just have to take it. She'll get over it." Clarke states matter-of-factly. Bellamy raises his eyebrows at Clarke, so Clarke adds, "It's the right thing to do. We know what's best for these people and we can't have her waving the chancellorship and disagreeing with our decisions when she doesn't like them. People are going to get confused… I wouldn't worry though, I think she'll agree. I told her we would still consult the council before decisions."

"Alright. I guess we'll just wait and see. So what were you thinking about the grounders?" Bellamy asks. He knows they have to decide together, but he doesn't like the uncertainty of not knowing where they stand and he knows people are going to get restless soon if they don't know what the plan is either.

"Do you mind if I get something to eat first? Let's meet in Octavia's tent in like an hour. Bring Raven along - that is, if she wants to come."

* * *

"Can I come in?" Clarke peeks through the flap of Octavia's tent and is relieved to see Octavia is in there alone.

"Clarke! You're back!" Octavia jumps up, dropping the knives she'd been sharpening and pulls Clarke into a hug. It's an awkward one since Clarke is holding two plates of food in her hands. "Oh, and you brought me something to eat," Octavia grins.

"Of course I did." Clarke smiles in return and sits down cross-legged across from where Octavia had been sitting on the floor.

They sit in comfortable silence, Octavia wolfing down her food while Clarke picks at hers, having less of an appetite.

It's funny how quickly things can change. One moment Octavia is telling her that they're done, and the next moment they're comfortably sharing dinner, knowing they'll always have each other's backs.

_**\- 3 DAYS EARLIER -**_

"What are you doing?" Clarke starts at the sound of a voice behind her and the sniper rifle she was holding falls out of her hands and clatters down the edge of the cliff.

"Octavia! What is wrong with you?" Clarke's tone is furious. She'd been lost in thought when Octavia had shaken her out of it. She had come out here to find some peace of mind and to be left alone. Was that seriously too much to ask?

"Me? What's wrong with YOU! You're way too easy to track. You would totally be dead right now if I'd been a grounder sneaking up on you."

"You basically are…" Clarke mutters, but regrets it immediately when she sees Octavia's body go rigid as she tenses.

"The last thing I am is a fucking grounder," Octavia spits out, her eyes blazing with hatred.

"You're right… I didn't mean that" Clarke concedes. She really doesn't have the energy to fight with Octavia right now. "What are you doing here?" she asks instead.

Octavia doesn't answer, but instead repeats the question back at her "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Seriously, Octavia, that's what _I_ _just_ asked."

"Well, technically I asked it first, since that's what I said when I snuck up behind you." Octavia grins petulantly, obviously proud of herself.

"You know what? Never mind. Just leave me alone and go back to camp," Clarke snaps, in no mood to play games with Octavia.

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry." Octavia sits down a few meters away from Clarke, ignoring Clarkes annoyed sigh. "I came out here because Bellamy said you needed space…"

"Really? He said I wanted space and you took that as an invitation to come find me…? Clarke's voice is incredulous and she really doesn't know how to respond. She has no idea where she and Octavia stand. Their last interaction had included Clarke panicking and Octavia screaming at her, blaming her for trusting Lexa - blaming her for everything really.

"Just let me finish, Clarke… he said you felt like you couldn't be a good leader, that you blame yourself for everything that's happened. And… I was worried that that's because of the things I said…" Octavia's words trail off hesitatingly. After Bellamy had told her Clarke had left, she'd felt guilty for the way she'd treated Clarke and she'd set out to find her. Now that she was here though she didn't really know how to say what she wanted to say.

Clarke rolls her eyes in irritation, but it's mostly directed Bellamy for sharing those details with Octavia. "Whatever, Octavia. Don't worry about it. You were right - about everything."

"But I wasn't. The things I said… I said them because I was angry. And I still am. But not at you. Ton DC should not have happened. Mount Weather should not have happened. So many people that deserve to live are dead. But that's life. The Ark was like that. The ground is like that. If not them, it'd be us. You did what you had to to save us. I get that now."

"I did what I did because there were no other options. But there could have been more options if things had been different. If the grounders hadn't left…"

"Exactly Clarke, but that's not on you. It's on Lexa. With all their 'blood must have blood' talk, who'd of thought they'd be a bunch of cowards? You can't blame yourself - no one saw this coming."

"But YOU did - from the beginning you didn't trust Lexa. You warned me about her, but I didn't listen. I was confident, I thought we had planned for everything. We had a plan B and a plan C and a plan D. I never considered the possibility of Lexa taking a deal. I was too blinded… too blinded by something, I don't even know what." In reality Clarke does know what - _love _ \- but she can't admit it, won't admit it.

Octavia looks like she's about to push and ask Clarke exactly what she was blinded by, but Clarke doesn't give her that chance. "And it _is_ my fault. No one trusted Lexa. They trusted ME and I trusted Lexa."

"And I trusted Indra!" Octavia shouts it and there's pain in her eyes, she can't push it away and it seeps into her voice. The words may be shouted, but they come out broken all the same.

"I looked up to her, respected her. I thought she saw something in me- something more than just a freak. I thought she believed in me. And then she just turns and leaves, like I was nothing to her, disposable - not worth saving. I've never felt so helpless - it was like I was back in the Ark hiding under the floorboards." Octavia turns her face away then, stubbornly glaring out across the forest, refusing to cry the tears that prick against her eyes.

Clarke sees it then - the real reason Octavia came looking for her. She had needed to confide in the one person who might understand what's she's going through. No one had been closer to the grounders than they were. They hadn't held back, they'd given everything they had to try and bring the Sky People and the grounders together, but they'd both been burned in the process, left to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts.

They sit in silence. Their thoughts heavy, but the air somehow lighter as they relish the knowledge that they aren't completely alone in this. Clarke doesn't know how long they sit there, lost in their own thoughts, but it's gotten dark and the air has grown chilly when Octavia finally breaks the silence.

"So are you going to tell me why you came here? And more importantly why you had your sniper rifle pointed at TonDc? You do know it's way too far away to actually get a good shot right?"

"Yes, I _do_ actually know that. I wasn't born yesterday, Octavia" Clarke's tone drips with sarcasm, but it's also playful - the anger and irritation from earlier gone. "I came here because of the view. I was looking through the scope, trying to see what's going on in TonDc. I don't even know why I care…"

So Clarke hadn't technically _decided_ to come here. She had simply found herself there. Leaving Camp Jaha, she had thought nothing could be worse than walking around camp haunted by images of dead mountain men.

But she'd been wrong. Being out here, in the forest _\- in grounder world -_ was worse - way worse. Everywhere she'd looked, she'd seen Lexa. The rustle of the leaves in the wind, the chirping of the birds in the trees, the crashing of the waterfall against the rocks, the crunch of the twigs under her feet as she walked - it had reminded her of Lexa.

Memories of all the different times they'd been together in the woods had flooded back to her and she couldn't get it out. She couldn't get Lexa out. Lexa was everywhere. Clarke had started running then. She'd run and run as if she could outrun her own thoughts. The low-hanging branches from the trees had cut into her cheeks, her feet had throbbed from the blisters that had taken no time to open up, her side had ached and ached, but she'd kept running. Until all the sounds of the forest faded away and all she could hear were the gasps of breath she took with every step.

Eventually her legs had given out from under her and she'd collapsed on the ground. When her breathing had finally evened and her heart rate slowed back to normal, she had looked around and taken in her surroundings. Her feet had carried her to the bottom of the cliff she was now on.

Finn had spoken of this cliff often. It may not stand as tall as many of the mountains in the area, but still it peaks above many of the other rock structures scattered through the forest. Finn had wanted to climb to the top many times - he'd said it would feel like being on top of the world, with unlimited possibilities. Clarke had simply rolled her eyes and laughed, but still promised they'd go once everything had settled down with the grounders. Finn had never gotten his chance.

That's not really why Clarke was there though. She was there because Lexa too had spoken of this cliff. She'd said it was one of the few spots that actually provided a view of TonDC, which was otherwise well hidden within the forest canopy. Curious about this view of TonDC, Clarke had climbed to the top.

"And…? What's going on in TonDc?" Octavia presses still waiting for an answer.

"Can't see much. The scope was blurred. I could see the hole from the missile though…" Clarke pauses painfully, "and the huts scattered about. But people just looked like dots moving around… And now my sniper rifle is gone. You totally owe me a new one by the way."

"You're the one who let it slip from your hands and if the scope really is blurred, it's useless anyways," Octavia counters. "Here, try these, the mountain men had some pretty cool stuff." She passes Clarke a pair of binoculars she'd brought with her.

Clarke looks through them and they provide a much better view. Still, TonDc is too far away and she can't make out specific people. There does seem to be a lot of movement though, everyone seems to be out and about.

"What do you think they're doing?" She asks Octavia as she hands her the binoculars.

"They're celebrating…" it doesn't take Octavia very long to catch on. She's spent enough time in the grounder camp to know this isn't what a normal evening in camp looks like. "Everyone's in the village square, there are more fires scattered about than normal, and there seem to be flower strands hanging from the trees. Decorations, probably…" Octavia mutters more to herself than to Clarke.

"You've got to be kidding me," Clarke swears, sounding incredulous. For all the grounders know, the Sky People are captured or being tortured or dead for God's sake. How can they just be celebrating? Like nothing's happened…

"They got what they wanted, their people back. What did you expect?"

"I don't know… Not this…" Deep down inside Clarke _had_ expected to find this, had been afraid to find this, but she hadn't wanted to accept it. She'd hoped to find some sign that the grounders wouldn't just move on with their lives as if nothing's happened. Some sign, any sign that they actually cared about what had happened. _That Lexa actually cared…_

On the other hand, could she really blame them for being happy to all be together again? She remembers Lexa's words, _what you would have done. _

"Tell me something, Octavia, do you think we're the same as them? Do you think I would have taken the deal if Cage had offered it to me?" Clarke had been wondering about this ever since Lexa had uttered the words and she was truly curious what Octavia thought.

"You wouldn't" Octavia shrugs. She doesn't say it like it's a bad thing or a good thing. More like she's simply stating a fact.

"How do you know?"

"Sure, you would do anything to save us, but somewhere during the alliance the lines got blurred. 'Us' wasn't just Sky People anymore, it was also grounders. You care too much about people, Clarke. You could never just leave them behind… I wouldn't have either."

"I did… though. To the people in the mountain who helped us. I killed them. How is that any different?"

"It's tragic, it is. But those were a couple of people, and not your _entire_ alliance. And look at you now Clarke. You're out here, filled with guilt, mourning their deaths, even the deaths of our enemies. And look at them," Octavia waves her hand towards TonDc, "they're fucking _celebrating_. Trust me, we're nothing like them."

Clarke considers Octavia's words. It's true. None of the Sky People had considered celebrating. No one had been in the mood for it.

"We're nothing to them, Clarke," Octavia continues, "they were marching on us with an army, ready to wipe us all out. The only reason they didn't was because you gave them something they wanted."

"They used us…" Clarke finally realizes. "We showed them how to bring back reapers, we told them their people were stuck in cages, we figured out how to get in through the tunnels, we turned off the damn acid fog, we blew up the dam, we did _everything_…"

"Yeah, and all they did was just stand there with their big-ass army and when it was their turn, they screwed us." Octavia angrily kicks the rocks at her feet and watches them bounce down the side of the cliff. "You know what? I bet that was Lexa's plan all along. Scare the mountain so that they would make a deal with her. Hell, how do we even know it wasn't Lexa who offered the deal?"

"Because it wasn't" Clarke responds without thinking, but a second later as Octavia's words really sink in, she freezes and she can feel her heart begin to pound. Octavia couldn't be right, could she?

What if Lexa had played her from the beginning? Every conversation, every moment, just a ploy to get Clarke to trust Lexa.

"We were pawns Clarke…"

It's a devastating thought and it hurts worse than anything she's felt up until now. Clarke can't respond. She can't move, can't speak. It feels like there's a massive rock stuck in her throat and she can't get any words out. As she looks out at TonDC again and sees the lights of the village dancing in the moonlight, she knows Octavia is right. She'd been played. _Lexa would have been a great chess player_, she thinks wryly.

Lexa had seen right through her. Had known exactly what to say to pull her in so she would trust her completely. She'd felt so connected to Lexa… None of it was real, none of it had meant anything. _At least not to Lexa._ Her vision blurs, and for the first time in a long time, the tears silently leak from her eyes. She lets them. If Octavia notices, she doesn't say a word.

Clarke has felt many things since the battle of Mount Weather. Despair. Guilt. Doubt. Anger. Pain. So much pain, heart wrenching pain. But as the tears finally slow, there's something new, bubbling just beneath the surface. _Hate_. As long as she had believed that she could understand Lexa, could understand Lexa's decision, she couldn't hate her.

But Lexa hadn't just saved her people. She'd done a lot more. She'd made Clarke feel things she never thought she'd feel again after Finn. She'd made Clarke fall in love only to carve out her heart afterwards, leaving Clarke empty and hollow. And Clarke hates Lexa for it.

"I'm such an idiot…" Clarke mutters, but she doesn't want to talk any further about it. This conversation has worn her out too much already.

"It's late, Octavia. You should head back, for real."

"I know… Bellamy has probably already sent out a search party," Octavia laughs lightly, but her tone quickly turns serious as she meets Clarke's eyes, "You should come back with me."

"I can't…" Clarke looks down and shuffles her feet, hoping this isn't going to turn into a long argument with Octavia. To her relief, Octavia simply sighs in resignation.

"Alright, I figured you might not listen, so I brought you something." Octavia reaches into her bag and hands Clarke some scratch paper and a pencil. "I know it's not much, but it's something. I thought it might help you… if you could draw, you know" Octavia's voice fades, sounding a little uncertain and insecure.

There is no need for that though. Clarke is touched Octavia had even thought of something like this and she pulls Octavia into a hug, one that is immediately fiercely returned by Octavia.

"Just… come back soon, okay? It makes it easier for me to have your back, if we're actually in the same place." Octavia pauses and then continues, "Because I do, you know… have your back."

"I know." And Clarke does know. Since the battle of Mount Weather, Clarke has doubted everything and everyone she has ever known, but looking into Octavia's eyes, Clarke knows one thing for certain: she can count on Octavia's loyalty.

* * *

Once Octavia is gone, Clarke misses her presence immediately. A part of her wishes she'd gone back with Octavia, but she also knows she can't - not yet. Her conversation with Octavia has opened up a can of worms and if anything, Clarke feels even more off-balanced.

She spends the next two days on top of the cliff. It's as good a place as any and Clarke doesn't know where else she'd go anyways. Octavia had left her bag behind, filled with water and a few strips of meat.

Occasionally Clarke peers through the binoculars in the direction of TonDc, but most of the time she just lies on her back, staring up at the sky, ignoring the jagged rocks biting into her back. She might have been locked up, but things in the sky had been much simpler and a part of her misses it.

It's the third morning after she's left. She's staring at TonDc and thinking back to her conversation with Octavia. Something has been nagging at her. It bothers her how confident Octavia had sounded when she'd said Clarke would never have taken the deal. She knows Octavia is right. But unlike Octavia, Clarke can't see that as a good thing. If there's one thing Lexa has taught Clarke it's that being a leader means being able to make the hard choices.

If she really is the leader her people deserved, she should have been able to take that deal. The ground isn't meant to be shared. Down here, it's every clan for themselves. The grounders understood that. The mountain men had understood that.

But Clarke had lost sight of that. She'd let Lexa in and things had gotten messy. Octavia was right, Clarke _had_ started to see the grounders as a part of 'us' and she _had_ cared about them, but if push had come to shove, she still would have chosen her people over them. That is, if it hadn't been for Lexa.

The real reason Clarke knows she would never have taken that deal is because she would never have been able to do that to Lexa. She doubts she would have been able to physically pull herself away from Lexa. And Clarke hates herself for being unable to take the deal just as much as she hates Lexa for being able to take it.

For she knows now that Lexa was right. Emotions always get in the way of making the right decisions. Love had made Wells follow her down to the ground. Love had caused Finn to kill all those people.

And Clarke is no different. Love had prevented her from seeing the truth right in front of her eyes - that she was being played. And love would have prevented her from taking a deal that could have saved her people.

Clarke has lived her life according to one truth, that love is strength. And now she wonders if maybe she's been living a lie her whole life. The thought makes her anxious and she sits up abruptly. She moves to sit on the edge of the cliff, her legs dangling down the side, hoping the cool breeze will whisk her thoughts away and clear her head.

She fiddles with her hands, unable to concentrate on anything, Lexa's words repeating in her mind over and over again. _Love is weakness. _She doesn't want to accept it. She tries to refute Lexa's words in her head. Reminds herself of Lincoln and Octavia, who always seem to draw strength from their love for each other. But Lexa's voice only grows louder and louder in her head. _Love is weakness._

She tries to scream to drown it out, but she doesn't have enough strength and her scream comes out hoarse and weak, and does absolutely nothing to expel the thoughts in her mind.

She tries to draw. From the top of the cliff, there is so much to see, so much to draw, and she starts drawing. Quick, fast lines on her paper, wanting to focus on something, anything else. She can't get it right, though. Nothing translates onto paper. She's too agitated, her hands shaking too much.

And all the while, Lexa's voice in her head only grows more persistent. Frustrated she crumples the papers one after the other and tosses them down the side of the cliff, watching them tumble down. Until she has only one left. It's slightly creased, and Clarke sighs in defeat.

Her hand trembles as she finally scribbles the three words onto the paper. _Love is weakness. _

Clarke closes her eyes as calm washes over her then, the turmoil in her mind dissipates, the voices in her head still, and Clarke feels her whole body relax. The pencil slips from her hand, down the edge of the cliff, while the paper floats down to rest on her lap.

She lies back on the rocks and feels the warmth of the sun shining on her face. She hadn't even noticed the sun had been shining. She lies like that for a long time, simply enjoying the quiet around her. This isn't peace. Clarke knows better than to think she'll ever find peace. But it _is_ acceptance. Acceptance of the harsh reality of the ground. And for now, it's enough.

When she finally sits up, she knows it's time to head back. She picks up the paper on her lap and gently folds it in half. She sticks in the front pocket of her leather jacket. She's ready to go back, because as long as she remembers the words written on that paper, she knows she can be the leader _her_ people - and her people only - deserve.

_**\- Back to the present - **_

Octavia's voice draws Clarke back to the present, "I'm glad you followed my advice and came back so soon". She shoots Clarke a genuine smile when she says it.

"Duty called" is all Clarke responds and the words sound heavy on her lips. Octavia can't help but worry that maybe it would have been better if Clarke had taken more time for herself. Was Clarke really ready to bear all the responsibility again?

Unfortunately, Octavia doesn't have time to question Clarke further as Bellamy and Raven enter the tent.

"So what do you want to do?" He and Raven have barely sat down, but Bellamy wastes no time in asking the question.

Clarke gets it though and she doesn't stall any further. "For now, we offer peace."

"That's it?" Octavia may despise the idea of grounders now, but their mentality of 'blood must have blood' is ingrained in her spirit.

"Because that worked so well last time…" Raven mutters sarcastically, echoing Octavia's skepticism. She's unhappy that Clarke wants to try the same tactic again. The same tactic that got Finn killed.

"It _didn't_ work well the last time. But we won't make the same mistakes twice," Clarke vows. _Never again. _

"The tables have turned," Clarke continues. "We're better now, stronger. We have all the mountain's guns, their computers, radio's, supplies. All of it. This isn't like last time, when we were basically groveling for mercy. We're not going to _ask_ for peace. We're going to demand it."

"And if they refuse?" Bellamy questions.

"Then we do what we have to do. If it's a fight they want, we'll give it to them. Because the ground is ours. And We. Are. Not. Leaving." Clarke emphasizes slowly, her voice dead-serious. She's tired of being used and walked all over. They were here now, and they were going to stay.

"Grounders better watch out," Octavia snickers. She trusts Clarke and is cool with anything as long it isn't running or begging the grounders for peace.

Raven doesn't want to fight, but the thought of working with the grounders again, makes her uneasy. She wants nothing to do with them. "Alright, Clarke, just promise me that we'll keep our distance."

"We will. We'll have peace, but we'll keep our eyes open. I promise." Clarke assures Raven. "And we won't trust them, we'll never trust them..." she adds as she absentmindedly fingers the paper in her jacket pocket.

"Okay, let's do this." Bellamy agrees. And so the rest of the evening is spent discussing the logistics of setting up a meeting with the grounders.

* * *

**So… Clarke kind of jumps to all sorts of wrong conclusions about Lexa :(**

**Oh well, I guess Lexa will just have to prove her wrong!**

**If things go the way I currently have them planned out, the start of many Lexa-Clarke interactions should be coming up in the next chapter. But as you've probably been able to tell, Clarke is pretty angry… so just a heads-up, this is **_**not**_** going to be an easy kiss and make-up. **

**Thanks for reading! This is definitely my longest chapter so far, and I'd love to hear your thoughts : ) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for dropping by! Enjoy! **

* * *

**Chapter 6**

TonDC is quiet. Most of the grounders who'd been kept prisoner in the mountain have left for their own villages, anxious to return to their families. Those that remain, spend the greater part of most days clearing out the rubble. They are not even half way, but they continue to work tirelessly, no one wishing to leave the village the way it currently is. It is too great a reminder of all those they've lost. TonDC will be rebuilt, bigger and greater than it was before.

Lexa occasionally helps, but mostly she paces in circles. Her scouts had returned from the mountain and their report confirmed everything Emerson had told them.

Lexa had gone herself then. She'd needed to see it with her own eyes.

She'd known it was true - that it was all true - before even entering the mountain. It reeked of death. It was clear that everything worth taking from the mountain had been taken by the Sky People. _To the victor go the spoils. _

All that remained were the bodies… The pungent, nauseating smell had almost kept Lexa from going in, but she'd gone in anyways. The mountain was littered with gruesome corpses staring at her with cold, wide-open eyes and faces twisted with grotesque expressions. One thing was clear: these people had not died painlessly.

But Lexa had felt no pity and she'd left as quickly as she'd come. She would take their deaths over the deaths of the Sky People any day.

Now back at TonDc, in her tent, she paces and paces, absently twirling her knife in her hands. She knows she must think about the future, whether there will peace with the Sky People, whether the alliance of the 12 Clans will hold. But she cannot. Only one question races through her mind. _Does she hate me? _

She thinks in circles endlessly, begging the spirits of the forests that Clarke would be able to understand her decision. That they might be able to start anew. But Lexa is not stupid and she has long since learned that forgiveness doesn't exist. Still, she hopes… _maybe, just maybe… _

"Heda! Heda!"

Lexa is shaken out of her thoughts by the urgent cries of her warriors shouting her name and she rushes out to see what all the commotion is about.

She skids to a stop at the sight of her warriors dragging along the Sky girl Octavia.

"Leave her be," she commands and her warriors immediately drop her unceremoniously in front of Lexa.

As soon as she is let go, Octavia gets up with a huff and starts brushing the dirt and twigs off her clothes meticulously, not acknowledging Lexa's presence at all. Lexa watches and waits, keeping the many questions on the tip of her tongue at bay.

When Octavia finally looks up, content with the state of her clothes she smirks insolently at Lexa, "Well hello, _Le-xa, _long time no see." She draws out the commander's name and looks over to Indra, satisfied when she sees the grounder bristle in anger at her rudeness.

Lexa, however, ignores Octavia's tone and simply asks, "Octavia of the Sky People, why have you come?"

"The Chancellor of the Sky People requests a meeting." Her words may be formal and official, but she says them nonchalantly, her posture calm and relaxed.

"Of course! All Sky People are welcome in TonDC," Lexa trips over her words in her haste to assure the Sky girl, both nervous and excited. Perhaps Clarke will accompany her mother, the Chancellor…

"Commander, I don't think…" Indra's protest to Lexa's willingness to welcome the Sky People to TonDC is cut short by the sound of Octavia bursting into a fit of laughter. Both Indra and Lexa gawk at her, not understanding the Sky girl's behavior.

Octavia may be laughing, but there is no mirth in her eyes or her voice as she speaks. "No Sky person - and especially not the Chancellor - will be setting foot in TonDC."

"The Commander will _not_ be going to Camp Jaha" Indra retorts, before Lexa even has the chance to respond, which earns her a glare from the Commander, obviously not pleased that she is being spoken for.

"Well, don't worry, we don't really want her there either…" Octavia snidely remarks and it's the first clear indication to Lexa that any hope of an understanding Clarke is probably unfounded. Put in her place, Lexa blinks away the momentary hurt she feels at Octavia's harsh words and slips her mask into place.

"Then what do the Sky People suggest?" Her tone, now neutral, betrays nothing. No excitement, no nervousness, no curiosity, no interest. She almost sounds bored.

"We meet halfway between our two camps. At midday, in two days, where the river splits in two."

"We will be there."

"Commander… may I have a word in private?" Indra speaks respectfully, but her tone gives away her dissatisfaction at how easily the Commander is agreeing to the Sky People's request.

"Bring the Sky girl something to eat." Lexa commands her warriors and then wordlessly motions Indra to follow her into her tent.

Octavia wants to turn down the fruit she is offered, but she is in fact pretty hungry. She had left early in the morning and hadn't really stopped to take any breaks on her way here. She hopes to make it back before the end of the night, knowing Bellamy will worry if she isn't back the same day.

Bellamy had been strongly against the idea of Octavia going to TonDc, but it had been the best plan. She had trained with the grounders, stood watch with them, dealt with the aftermath of the missile with them, so even if she was no longer Trigedakru, she still had their respect. Which would at the very least ensure that she would not be killed on sight, and would make it to the Commander.

Lincoln had insisted he come as well, but Octavia had refused. Lincoln had told him of Indra's warning, that Lexa would not take him back again and she feared what the grounders might do to him.

The plan had worked. While the grounder scouts had spotted her a few miles away from TonDC, they hadn't harmed her. They had simply surrounded her and when she had demanded an audience with their Commander, they had taken her back with them. They hadn't been particularly gentle and did confiscate all her weapons, but she hadn't feared for her life and aside from some minor scratches, she was fine.

Trying not to be too irritated by the three warriors that have not left her side and who's eyes continue to watch her every move, Octavia sits down on a rock and surveys the wreckage of TonDC, relieved that it is a much different scene than the last time she was here.

The hole in the center has been turned into a training ground, with warriors shouting in Trigedasleng as metal clangs on metal, and Octavia curses herself for the tiny part of her that yearns to get up and join them.

Still, while there may no longer be bodies scattered about, or moans and screams to be heard from those stuck under the rubble, the giant hole in the ground and the piles and piles of rocks, that were once houses, are reminders enough of the tragedy that occurred here.

Octavia's eyes quickly move on from the sight, unwilling to take it in any longer. She is no longer Trigedakru. They are _not_ her people and she will _not_ feel pity or compassion for them. Instead she watches the villagers going about their activities.

They pretend not to see her, but occasionally Octavia catches them staring at her. Where she expects to see hatred and distrust directed at her in their sideways glances, she sees only simple curiosity, and if she looks further she sees the grief in their eyes, a grief that must be difficult to bury when living amongst the ruins of TonDC.

It makes her uncomfortable, so she avoids looking at their faces- instead focusing on the paths their feet take as they walk amongst the shabby tents, which serve as temporary housing.

Lexa and Indra talk for what seems like hours. Octavia has no idea about what exactly, but she guesses it's something along the lines of Indra cussing out the Sky People and Lexa shouting that's she's Commander. It's always the same with these people.

Eventually, when Octavia grows bored of watching the villagers and impatient with waiting, she considers barging into Lexa's tent and demanding an answer. It's probably futile though, Lexa's guards would never let her get anywhere near that tent. She settles on simply getting up and bellowing as loudly as she can, "COMMANDER!"

It gets the job done. With a questioning look, Lexa exits the tent, followed closely by a furious Indra.

"How dare you summon the Commander like that? Have you no respect?"

Nope, not for grounders Octavia doesn't. She pretends not to hear Indra, but instead turns to Lexa, "Have you changed your mind? Or are you still planning on coming?"

Lexa and Indra had argued back and forth. Indra firmly believing it was a trap and Lexa insisting they didn't have a choice. They'd agreed that it was necessary to talk with the Sky People, but Indra wanted to use the same tactic as before. Move their whole army to just outside Camp Jaha until the Sky People beg for peace or run away.

Too much has changed for Lexa, though, and she has no desire to threaten or bully the Sky People. She sees Clarke as an equal and wishes to speak to her as such.

"We'll be there, on two conditions."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"No more than five warriors will be present from each side. And no weapons."

"Five? Sure, why not, I'm sure that's not a problem."

"And no weapons." Indra presses, catching how Octavia doesn't respond to the second part of Lexa's demands.

"Cut the crap, Indra. You and I both know you'll never actually leave Lexa without protection. So let's not exchange empty promises of coming unarmed because I'll tell you this much. We. Will. Be. Armed."

Aw shit, Octavia thinks- she shouldn't have sounded so threatening. Now even Lexa looks concerned about the meeting, smart enough not to want to walk into a trap.

"Look, Commander," Octavia opts to use Lexa's title hoping it will placate her somewhat, "you cannot fault us for being cautious, but I assure you, Clarke only wants to talk about peace."

"Clarke?" It's the first time Octavia has mentioned her by name and Lexa's eyes light up at the sound.

"Yeah Clarke… remember her?" Octavia drawls sarcastically.

"Of course, we'll be there." Lexa's mind is made up. If Clarke is going to be there, she'll be there, "We wish for peace as well."

"Ok, now that that's settled. I guess I'll be seeing you in two days." She stares expectantly at the warriors watching her, until - after Lexa's nod - they return her weapons to her and then she's off, back to Camp Jaha. Not wishing to hang around TonDc for any longer than she has to.

* * *

**2 days later**

Clarke stands a little straighter, a little taller as she hears the grounders approaching in the distance. _She can do this. _

There is an eerie sense of deja vu to the situation and Clarke can't help but recall her meeting with Anya on the bridge. She hopes this meeting will be less of a disaster. Her eyes unconsciously wander to the trees, and she catches herself checking to see if there are any grounders hiding up there. She doesn't see any, but then again, that doesn't mean they aren't there.

Clarke just wants to get this over with. Two minutes is all it should take. They agree to leave each other alone and then Clarke can go back to Camp Jaha and never see Lexa again. That's all she wants, or so she keeps telling herself.

A part of her wishes it would be Anya appearing through the trees. Anya she could handle. Lexa - she's not sure. A small, small part of her, a part that she's desperately trying to squash, feels oddly flustered about seeing Lexa again, but for the most part she's angry**. **And a little worried. Worried that she'll lose control and take out her fury on Lexa.

Her knuckles turn white as she clenches her fists at her sides and she reminds herself to breathe and relax. It wouldn't do to try and kill Lexa during their peace talks.

For a second, as Lexa and Indra come into view, she feels herself flood with emotions, mostly hate and anger, but also hurt and sadness- and she quickly schools her features until her face is expressionless, giving absolutely nothing away.

It's dead silent as their eyes meet, everything else falling away. In that moment, it's just them. Watching, weighing, waiting.

Technically Clarke doesn't actually meet Lexa's eyes. Instead, she zeroes in on a spot just a hair above them and stares - hard. As if she's staring straight through Lexa and really just looking at a tree in the distance behind her. It's more of a glare really. She tries to keep her gaze neutral, but feels herself struggling. She feels her gaze being pulled to Lexa's green orbs, but she fights it. She won't look. She can't look. Not with Lexa in front of her.

If she does, she'll get lost in the green, always giving away nothing and so much all at the same time. She'll see Lexa - really see her - and then her eyes will betray the pain she feels. She can't have that, can't have the Commander seeing her as weak. Hate is better, hate is a strong emotion. Hate will get her through this meeting. As long as she doesn't look in those eyes, all she'll see is the Commander.

Lexa does look into Clarke's eyes. She couldn't resist even if she wanted to, which she doesn't. She's gone too long without being able to look into that sea of blue and she's been looking forward to this for the past two days. She'd lain awake at night, remembering the swirling blue ocean that is Clarke's eyes, filled with life and passion and fiery determination, and she'd counted the minutes to this moment.

At last, getting her wish, Lexa knows she should be grateful, she really should, but she's not. Because something is off. She's struck at how unlike Clarke it is, that her eyes should give away nothing. The usual spark that Lexa has grown to love is gone, replaced with a dull coldness. This isn't Clarke and yet at the same time there _is_ something strangely familiar about Clarke's eyes, but Lexa can't quite put her finger on what exactly.

"Clarke…" It comes out soft and timid and not at all like the Commander. It's so unexpected that it breaks Clarke's concentration and her eyes flicker downward into Lexa's eyes. She regrets it immediately, because once there, she's stuck, unable to pull her gaze away.

It's not what she had expected. The Commander's usual unyielding mask is missing, Lexa freely allowing the emotions to dance across her features. Clarke sees it all - uncertainty, sadness, confusion, fear, concern - and understands none of it.

None of this is what Clarke had been expecting. Lexa is alone with Indra and neither is wearing war paint. They're armed, but minimally so. Lexa isn't even wearing armor. In no way do they exude the typical grounder image of terror and intimidation.

It's the opposite of the Sky People. Clarke stands in the middle, flanked on the left by Octavia and Raven and on the right by Bellamy and Kane. Aside from bringing Kane, who has a reputation among the grounders as being the bearer of peace, the Sky People have made no effort to come across as peaceful.

They are armed to the teeth, machine guns strapped over their shoulders, shotguns on their hips, knives everywhere you can possibly stuff them. Bellamy's hand rests lightly on the pistol in his holster, while Octavia - who's face is a terrifying mess from the black streaks she's drawn - tightly grips her sword.

If Lexa weren't so singularly focused on Clarke, she would have seen it for what it was. A display of power. The Sky People aren't messing around. They are serious. They are not pleased. And they _will_ be heard.

Clarke hasn't responded to Lexa's quiet 'Clarke' and the silence is beginning to feel suffocating and stuffy and Octavia simply can't handle it anymore. She clears her throat and nudges Clarke.

"Right…" Clarke finally speaks up; she blinks and goes back to staring at the same spot right above Lexa's eyes. Staring through Lexa instead of into her. It's safer and gives her a second to gather her thoughts.

"Thank you for honoring us with your presence, Commander," her words are formal and even and stated with authority.

"Clarke…" Lexa begins again, but she's thrown off by Clarke's use of her title and she finds herself speechless. Wanting to say so much, yet not knowing what to say at all.

Clarke waits for Lexa to proceed, but when nothing follows, she sighs and continues, "The Sky People wish for peace." She may be puzzled by Lexa's timid demeanor, but won't allow it to detract from her purpose. She's here for her people and that's all that matters. Whatever game Lexa is playing, Clarke won't fall for it.

Finally finding her words, Lexa doesn't hesitate to answer, "The Trigedakru want the same. As far as we are concerned, the alliance never ended. The Trigedakru will continue to honor its terms."

"Some alliance…" Raven mutters under her breath

"The alliance is dead, Commander, and the Sky People have no need for a new alliance. A simple peace will suffice." Clarke carefully unrolls the map she'd kept tucked under her arm and holds it up for Lexa. There's a thick black line drawn straight through the middle, roughly corresponding with the river that runs down from the mountain.

"The Sky People will not cross over to your side and no Trigedakru will cross over to _our _side," Clarke emphasizes the 'our', leaving no question as to who now owns the land on the left of the line.

"This is our land" Indra hisses, "You do not tell us where we can or cannot go."

"Watch us…" Octavia threatens and Indra moves to unsheathe the dagger at her side, but Lexa's hand shoots out and stills her hand, forcing Indra to release her grip on the dagger.

"This is what you want?" she questions hesitantly to Clarke. This is not what Lexa wants, not at all.

"Yes, live and let live. Those are our terms." Their eyes meet again, Clarke challenging, Lexa studying.

"Clarke... we can help each other."

"Thanks but no thanks."

Lexa wants to push, but Clarke has that telltale determined look in her eyes and Lexa knows better than to think she can sway Clarke now.

Lexa considers telling Clarke that one black line drawn across a map is woefully insufficient to set up a peace treaty and there is no way that the Trigedakru will stay on their side in the long run, but it's clear the Sky People are simply itching for a fight and Lexa won't give them that.

"We accept your terms." She's sure they just need a little time… Clarke just needs a little time.

"Really?" Bellamy can't hide his skepticism at how easily Lexa agrees. It makes him suspicious.

"Yes, really, Bellamy of the Sky People. We do not wish the Sky People any harm." Lexa looks at them individually and is met with looks of disbelief and incredulity. None of them believe her.

"I know that the Trigedakru did not stand by the Sky People in the fight against the mountain, but I was extremely grateful to hear of your safe return to Camp Jaha," Lexa tries to meet Clarke's eyes again but Clarke has gone back to staring straight through her.

"We have brought a gift as a sign of our good faith", Lexa turns and calls out something in Trigedasleng.

The Sky People tense, immediately on high alert, as if Lexa has her army hiding out behind her. Raven whips out her radio and is about to shout some sort of warning in it, but then they all freeze, "What the…."

That's one person Clarke never thought she'd see again. Two of Lexa's warriors appear dragging along a gagged and tied up Emerson.

"We found him in the woods. He told us of your victory. And as it is _your_ victory, he belongs to you. Do with him as you see fit."

It catches Clarke off guard; only grounders would hand over a person and see it as a sign of peace. She contemplates what to do and Emerson panics. He is all too familiar with how ruthless Clarke can be. He starts shaking his head wildly and is clearly trying to say something, but it sounds like gibberish.

Clarke sighs, might as well hear what he has to say. They've got nothing to lose. She unties the gag and Emerson immediately starts rambling about how he can help them. That he has information.

Indra curses - she knew this had been a mistake - and unsheathes her dagger but Clarke sensing Indra's intentions to kill him quickly pulls him away, until he's surrounded by the Sky People.

"We've been studying the grounders for the past hundred years! We know everything about them! I'll tell you anything you want to know! Just give me a chance..." He's pleading, not even trying to hide his desperation. He may not have anything left in the world, but he's even more terrified of dying.

For a moment, Clarke considers taking him up on his offer, but honestly at this point he'll say anything to stay alive. They'll never truly be able to trust his information.

"We do not need your information."

Emerson doesn't give up but tries again, "You can't trust the grounders! They betrayed you once, you can't trust them!"

"Well… maybe I do have one question..." Clarke's voice trails off and she looks to Lexa even as she speaks to Emerson.

"I'll tell you anything..."

"Tell me, who's idea was the deal really? Was it the president's or the Commander's?"

Clarke can see the wheels turning in Emerson's head as he tries to come up with the 'right' answer, knowing it will probably decide his fate.

"Clarke..." Lexa interrupts, she has no idea where this coming from. Clarke can't actually think that this had been her idea, could she? How would that even remotely make sense?

"The Commander!" Emerson shouts out. "She called out to me when she and her fighters came looking for our shooters!" Pitting the grounders against the Sky People can only work in his favor, they might need him then... "She said she would leave the Sky People to us in exchange for her people."

"He lies!" Lexa's voice rings out above his, but Clarke tunes her out - she's studying Emerson's face, searching for any sign of truthfulness.

"Clarke… you have to believe me…" When Clarke continues to ignore her, Lexa stretches out her hand, to grab Clarke's arm and forcefully pull her attention back to Lexa. When she makes contact, Clarke flinches visibly and jumps back, and Lexa immediately snatches her hand back, but it's too late.

Everything happens at once. Octavia has her sword at Lexa's neck, Indra has hers at Octavia's. Bellamy, and even Kane, have their guns trained at Indra, the two remaining grounder warriors have pulled out their bows, now directed at Clarke. Raven is shouting something into her radio "Stand by, stand by!"

Only Lexa and Clarke remain motionless, Clarke's hand absentmindedly rubbing the spot on her arm where Lexa had grabbed her, as if she's been burned.

"Clarke…" Lexa tries again, but Clarke doesn't want to have this conversation. Not here, not ever.

"Everyone fucking relax!" Clarke shouts and when at first no one moves, she gives a pointed look at Octavia, who after a second warily removes her sword from Lexa's throat. Everyone else slowly follows suit until all weapons are once again put away, but no one actually relaxes.

"It doesn't actually matter whose idea it was, the end result was the same." Without warning, Clarke, for the first time, unsheathes her own knife and slashes it deep across Emerson's throat. Blood pours out all over Clarke's hands. His eyes wide, he gurgles slightly, and collapses on the ground. He's dead within seconds, bleeding out across Clarke's boots. She pays it no mind, but simply wipes her hands across her pants and re-sheathes her knife.

Lexa can't help it. Her jaw drops down in shock, mirroring the expressions of the other Sky People. Since when does Clarke, without a second thought, just calmly kill people in cold blood? Enemy or no enemy, this isn't Clarke. This isn't Clarke at all.

Truth is, Clarke simply doesn't want to deal with Emerson. Even if he has information, it's not worth it. They'll never know if it's reliable. She can't let him go, but keeping him prisoner would be too much trouble. And why would Emerson get to live when the rest of the mountain are dead?

Truth is, she hates Emerson, and it felt sickeningly satisfying to kill him.

"Alright then." Clarke turns back to Lexa, her eyes blank and void of any emotion and Lexa is once again struck by the odd familiarity in Clarke's expression. _She knows that look from somewhere… _Clarke passes Lexa the map she'd still been holding, now slightly smudged with bloodstains on the sides.

"Stick to your side and we'll have peace," Clarke pauses and then continues, "I mean it, any grounder on our side, will be shot on sight."

With that Clarke turns around and without another glance back, she disappears among the trees, followed closely by the other Sky People.

Leaving Lexa unsettled and disoriented, wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

**You have no idea how happy killing Emerson made me… God, I hated him! **

**If this story makes you happy drop me a review cuz reviews make me happy… or don't, I love you guys just for reading anyways ;) **


	7. Chapter 7

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**Thanks to all those who reviewed my last chapter (and the ones before) - you guys are the best! **

**Sorry for this super late (and shorter than usual) update. Life = hectic. I'll try to do better! **

**Enjoy : ) **

_But first, here's a quick recap of the last chapter (since it's been so long): O went to TonDC to arrange a meeting between C+L… then they have the meeting… it's sorta tense… Sky People are badass and tough, C just wants them to leave each other alone, L wants more, C freaking kills Emerson, it's crazy intense… L is confused out of her mind… everyone goes home._

* * *

**Chapter 7 **

Lexa paces and paces. It's become a common habit of hers. Back and forth, back and forth. She hasn't slept, hasn't eaten. She just paces.

No one dares disturb her. Indra tried once. She'd gone into Lexa's tent with a plate of food, but had left only seconds later, dodging the plate of food that Lexa had flung out after her. The whole village had heard the echo of Lexa's angry voice demanding she be left alone.

And so they do.

Lexa doesn't want to leave her tent. Ever since she and Indra returned from the meeting with the Sky People, TonDC has been filled with murmurs and hushed whispers of the Sky People. Well, one Sky person in particular - the Skai Prisa.

_The Skai Prisa destroys the mountain. The Skai Prisa doesn't want an alliance. The Skai Prisa kills the mountain man. The Skai Prisa threatens the Trigedakru. _

They're in awe of her and maybe a little fearful. Lexa knows how they feel. She's in awe too and definitely a little fearful of this new Clarke. More than anything else, though, she's thoroughly confused.

So she paces, hoping it will bring her answers.

Clarke hates her. She understands this. She betrayed Clarke and her people. Left them to die. Now Clarke is angry and doesn't trust her. This she understands.

But Clarke's eyes hadn't flashed with anger or betrayal. They hadn't flashed at all. There had been no emotion in her eyes whatsoever. This Lexa doesn't understand.

Clarke had killed a man in cold blood, without warning. Yes, he was a mountain man, but still Clarke hadn't even flinched - as if it was nothing to her. This Lexa doesn't understand.

Clarke had believed that the deal was Lexa's idea. This Lexa _definitely_ doesn't understand.

It baffles Lexa. Making a deal with the mountain men had never once crossed her mind as she'd plotted the attack against the mountain. It wasn't the grounder way. _Blood must have blood. _She'd taken the deal because it was her only choice, not because she had planned it or wanted it.

What stumps Lexa even more is the fact that _Clarke_ would actually believe that the deal had been Lexa's idea all along.

She replays ever conversation, every moment she and Clarke shared, trying to figure out where exactly Clarke had gotten the wrong idea.

But there's nothing. She'd been more genuine and real with Clarke than she'd been with anyone since Costia.

Lexa had tried to mentor Clarke, to teach her. She'd opened up to Clarke, told her about Costia and how difficult it was for her to trust or love anyone. She'd listened to Clarke and respected her ideas and wishes. She'd been protective and looked out for Clarke.

Lexa had confessed to Clarke that she cared - something she never did to anyone. She'd kissed Clarke. She'd invited Clarke to Polis, clearly indicating she wanted to share her life with Clarke.

Had all of that meant nothing to Clarke?

Because if it _had_, there's no way Clarke would be able to think it had been Lexa's idea. How could Lexa have ever done even half of that if she had intended to leave Clarke and her people to die all along? It made absolutely no sense.

Lexa. Doesn't. Understand.

So she continues to pace, growing more and more frustrated. Minutes, hours, days, she has no idea how long it's been.

* * *

"Commander." Indra comes striding into the tent, nearly bumping into Lexa, who is at this point pacing frantic circles through the small tent.

Indra is a little fearful of what Lexa might throw at her this time. But this has gone on long enough and she will no longer be deterred.

"Get out Indra." Lexa commands, but it comes out as more of a sigh. Probably because she hasn't had anything to eat or drink all day.

"No."

"No?"

"Commander, you cannot stay in your tent all day. People are beginning to talk. They are beginning to worry. _I_ am beginning to worry."

"There is peace with the Sky People. Everyone knows this. There is nothing to worry about, Indra. I just want to think…. Alone." Lexa looks at Indra pointedly, expecting her to get the hint and leave her alone again.

"About the Skai Prisa, I know." Indra isn't giving up easily. "There is no use in thinking about her. We have bigger concerns than the Sky People."

"…No use? Clarke thinks the deal was my idea. _My idea, _Indra! How can she think that?"

"What does it matter, Commander? We need to discuss the choosing of new generals. And the alliance of the 12 clans."

"It matters!" Lexa shouts, no longer able to contain her frustration. At not understanding Clarke. At Indra not leaving her alone.

"I'm sorry, Commander" Indra's voice softens momentarily but then continues with a firm tone, "We betrayed the Sky People. Now they are angry. There is nothing to understand. Nothing to think about. What's done is done."

"I know that… But still it _doesn't_ explain why she would think the deal was my idea."

"The thoughts of the sky people have never made much sense to me. Regardless, it makes no difference now. Come, eat something, you will feel better."

Indra calmly tries to coax Lexa to follow her out of the tent, but Lexa ignores her. "What do _you_ think Indra?"

"What do I think? I think we need to worry about the alliance of the 12 clans falling apart."

"No…about Clarke" Lexa sighs in irritation, "Why does she think it was my idea? What is she thinking?"

"Who knows…?" Indra mutters dismissively, she can feel her frustration growing. There are real threats that need to be dealt with, and all this talk about the Skai Prisa is a waste of time.

"Clarke." Lexa's looks thoughtful as she says it, as if she's just realized something.

"What?" Indra doesn't follow.

"You said 'who knows'… _Clarke_ knows."

"Yes, I would imagine the Sky girl herself knows what she was thinking, but I fail to see how that is significant."

"Clarke knows. I will go speak with her."

Indra gawks at Lexa. The Commander can't be serious, can she? The Skai Prisa had been clear. No grounder was to go near Camp Jaha.

"Commander, another time perhaps… but we _must_ discuss the Ice Nation first. There are rumors that…"

But Lexa doesn't hear the rest of what Indra is saying. She has already marched out of her tent, heading towards the stables. Her mind is made up. She can't figure out what Clarke is thinking. Neither can Indra apparently. So she has no choice but to ask Clarke. It's simple really. _Why didn't she think of it sooner? _

She ignores the frantic scrambling of her guards as they try to figure out what the hell she is doing or where she is going.

By the time Indra catches on that Lexa isn't just serious, she's also leaving this very second - Lexa is already on her horse and shouting something about how she'll be back in a day and everyone just needs to stay put.

"Commander!" Indra shouts angrily - she's furious now - but it's too late, Lexa is gone.

* * *

Hours later, there is still only one thought on Lexa's mind as she digs her heels deeper into her horse's side, spurring him to go even faster: Get to Clarke. _Get to Clarke now. _

Normally Lexa loves to ride. To feel the wind whip past her, to watch the world pass by in a blur, it's exhilarating and freeing. But not today. Today she is bogged down by the consequences of her actions.

She'll go crazy if she keeps pacing in that tent. And she won't be able to focus on anything else until she gets answers. So she really doesn't have a choice.

Lexa has no idea what exactly she's going to say to Clarke when she makes it to Camp Jaha. To be honest, her mind is a bit too fuzzy from not eating or drinking all day to think coherently about that.

Lexa doesn't want to stop though. _She needs to get to Clarke._ The sooner she gets there, the sooner she can get her answers and hopefully convince Clarke that she's wrong.

So she presses on.

She's almost there, only about a mile out, when a shot rings out, narrowly missing Lexa.

It's followed by another shot and instinctively Lexa slides off her horse and ducks behind a tree. She curses as she remembers Clarke's words. _Any grounder… will be shot on sight. _

So… she had clearly not thought this through completely. She hadn't thought this through at all…

Lexa tries to control her heavy breathing as she ducks further back between the trees, covering her tracks as she goes.

She contemplates what to do. The Sky People were clearly serious about their threats.

Still, Lexa has no intention of turning back. She _will_ find Clarke. She _will_ speak to Clarke.

But first, Lexa needs to get to Camp Jaha… preferably _without_ getting shot.

* * *

**So that was just a short bit about Lexa's thought process after her meeting with Clarke. **

**Stay tuned for more drama. **

**If you feel like it: follow, favorite, review, or just have an awesome rest of the day! **


	8. Chapter 8

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**You guys seriously rock! Enjoy!**

**Feel free to drop your thoughts in the review box :)**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Lexa relaxes her grip on the trunk of the tree she's in and readjusts herself until she's in a slightly more comfortable position. She's about eight meters up and not worried in the slightest. She's been climbing trees since she could crawl.

She'd let her horse go and sent him in the opposite direction she'd run in. Hopefully that will confuse the Sky soldiers enough that they'll lose track of her. She'd retreated a little further into the woods before deciding she would climb a tree and wait their search out.

After all, most of the Sky People are terrible at tracking and the branches offer her enough cover that unless someone specifically stares up the tree, Lexa doesn't think she'll be spotted.

Her plan is pretty simple. Wait until the Sky soldiers go back to camp or move on to a different part of the woods, and then sneak into Camp Jaha herself. Once inside, Clarke would have to listen to her. I mean, she's the Commander and alone, so clearly not a threat.

It's been maybe a half hour when two Sky soldiers that Lexa doesn't recognize pass under her tree. She holds her breath, glancing down to see if they notice anything suspicious. She'd been careful to erase her tracks before climbing up, but you never know.

There's no reason to worry though. They shuffle on, without looking up, apparently deep in conversation. Lexa can't hear exactly what they're saying, but she does pick up something along the lines of '_gonna get that grounder bitch'…_

Lexa rolls her eyes - _Sky People are such idiots - _and is briefly tempted to jump down and show them exactly how much they won't be able to 'get this grounder bitch'. There are only two of them and even though they have guns, Lexa is pretty sure she can take them both out with her dagger before they even notice she's there.

She resists though, and reminds herself that these are Clarke's people - people Clarke _cares_ about. Also, 'I killed two of your warriors is probably not a very good opening statement if she wants Clarke to listen to her.

She waits until they're out of sight, and when she's sure they can't hear her, she sighs in relief and quickly switches to a different a branch, repositioning herself. She can't stop the restlessness.

She knows how important it is to blend in and become one with your surroundings when wanting to stay hidden. She doesn't mind being up in a tree. What she _does_ mind is having to stay motionless.

She'd tossed and turned all night, paced around her tent for the greater part of the day, and then ridden on her horse all the way to Camp Jaha. She hasn't been still for even a minute.

And now that she has to stay as still as possible, she finds it extremely difficult. Her hands keep twitching, moving from one branch to the next.

Back when she was Anya's second she used to be in trees all the time when she was on watch, and she'd never struggled with it. She could keep her body frozen in the same position for hours, if she had to.

_What's happened to her?_

She seriously needs to relax.

Lexa forces herself to control her breathing and concentrate. She focuses on every muscle one by one. Starting in her toes, clenching for a brief second and then relaxing. She moves up to her feet, knees, hips, stomach, chest, shoulders, neck and then back down to her arms. Until finally, she stretches out her fingers one by one, until they're lightly resting against the tree, completely still.

Just like Anya had taught her, so many years ago… It feels like a lifetime ago.

She'd never really grieved Anya's death. Hadn't allowed herself to do so. Hadn't even been willing to admit that it pained her. But now that she can't quite shut out her emotions anymore, she feels a pang of sadness thinking about Anya. At times like this, she could really use Anya's guidance.

She'd been so excited when she'd first started undergoing training under Anya. Excited to live, to learn, to become a great warrior.

Anya had been much like Indra. Fiercely protective of her people and relentless and unforgiving in her training. But unlike Indra she'd also had a less serious side and a twinkle of fun in her. She'd made Lexa a great warrior, but had also tried to keep her excitement about life alive.

She'd largely succeeded until Lexa had become Commander and life had become less about excitement and adventure, and more about responsibility and burdens and death.

Anya hadn't believed in bottling things up. If you were happy, laugh. If you were angry, scream. If you were sad, cry. _Get it out and move on,_ she would say.

Anya had taught her how to be strong.

She'd also tried to teach her that no one can be strong all the time. That it was okay to be weak sometimes, so long as her warriors - and more importantly, her enemies - didn't notice. Lexa had respected Anya more than anyone, but still had never believed Anya on this.

First - as a young warrior - because she'd seen herself as invincible, someone who truly _could_ be strong all the time, and later - after Costia's death - as someone who _had _to be strong all the time. It had been Clarke who'd finally made her realize that maybe Anya hadn't been completely wrong. That maybe, just maybe, with the right person, it was okay to be weak at times.

Lexa wonders what Anya would say to her right now if she could see her, hiding in a tree by herself in what was now apparently 'Sky People territory', being hunted by Sky People.

Anya would have called her an idiot.

She would have understood how heavily it weighed on Lexa that she'd betrayed Clarke. And unlike Indra, she probably would even have encouraged Lexa to go talk to Clarke.

But not like this. Not alone.

Anya hadn't believed in stupid plans. And if Lexa is being honest - now that she is actually thinking about it - spontaneously coming out to Camp Jaha, thinking she can just talk to Clarke, is definitely a stupid plan.

She's not sure if she can technically even call it a plan, considering she'd kind of just jumped on her horse and raced here, without actually thinking it through.

Indra was right to be angry.

But at the same time, Lexa knows she can't just go back to TonDc. However stupid this may be, if she doesn't talk to Clarke, she won't be able to get her out of her mind.

Something had been off about Clarke.

And Lexa is sure that the main reason the Sky Peope are unwilling to trust the Trigedakru is because they think the whole deal had been her idea. Which it wasn't.

If only Clarke could understand why she made her decision… that she didn't have a choice. Then maybe they could work towards something more. Towards a real peace - and not a vague territorial claim by the Sky People that would not be respected by the Trigedakru, even if Lexa told them to.

* * *

"Whoever you are, get down! Right. Now."

Lexa glances down to see Octavia standing on the ground below her, glaring up the tree. _Dammit. _Of course Octavia _had_ to be out with the Sky soldiers who were scouting the woods.

Unlike most Sky People, Octavia actually knows how to track properly and she's familiar enough with the Trigedakru ways to know to check the trees.

Why is it that lately none of her plans seem to work out?

Lexa sighs, frustrated at getting caught. Contemplating what to do, she briefly wonders what Octavia would do if she just stayed in the tree and ignored her, but she figures there isn't much of a point. You can't get much more trapped than up in a tree.

She swings down the branches effortlessly and lands firmly on the ground, facing Octavia.

"Commander?" Octavia takes a step back, her voice betraying her surprise. The Sky People clearly hadn't recognized her earlier when they'd been shooting at her.

"Octavia." Lexa nods back.

She leans back slightly against the tree and keeps her arms hanging loosely at her sides, not wanting to come off as threatening. Her gaze is unwavering as she meets Octavia's eyes, but from the corner of her eye she follows the knife in Octavia's hand like a hawk.

"What is this? Why are you here?" Octavia's voice is low and threatening, but Lexa can tell she feels uneasy at having encountered the Commander. Octavia's grip on the knife tightens and she nervously scans the trees, knowing it's unlikely the Commander would be out here alone.

"I'm alone."

Octavia narrows her eyes in skepticism and doesn't relax her stance. "You have no business here."

"I wish to speak to Clarke. "

"Yeah…" Octavia scoffs, "that's not going to happen."

"Maybe you should let Clarke - _your leader_ \- decide that." Lexa raises her chin defiantly, she doesn't have a lot of options here and hopes her Commander-status will be enough to get her an audience with Clarke.

"I'm pretty sure I know what Clarke wants. And that is for _you_ to stick to the freaking truce that we agreed on. So, how about you turn around and go back to TonDc, before this gets ugly…" Octavia takes a step forward to emphasize the not-so-subtle threat in her words.

But Lexa doesn't buy it. Octavia may be seriously impulsive and she may hate the Trigedakru with a passion, but she's also smart enough to know that killing the Commander of the 12 clans would be bad. Really bad.

"You can either take me to Clarke, or you can follow me while I take myself to Clarke." Lexa enunciates the words slowly. She sidesteps Octavia and starts walking in the direction of Camp Jaha.

"Hey! I'm dead serious here." Octavia takes a couple of angry steps after Lexa and roughly grabs her by the arm to force her to a stop. But in her anger, she's dropped her guard and before she really knows what's happening, Lexa twists her arm back and flips Octavia onto her back.

Octavia hastily crawls back, searching for the knife that has fallen from her hand, but Lexa has her foot planted firmly on top of it - and her own dagger in her hand pointed threateningly at Octavia.

From the ground, Octavia - now unarmed - glares up at Lexa, her eyes burning with a hatred stronger than anything Lexa has ever seen before. Lexa sighs, she hadn't intended to do that. It was just an instinct.

She removes her boot from on top of Octavia's knife and kicks it lightly towards her. Octavia scrambles to grab it and gets up, watching Lexa wearily.

"You grabbed me, I reacted," Lexa shrugs, by way of explanation. She won't apologize.

"Here…" Lexa flips the dagger in her hand until she's holding it by the blade and holds it out to Octavia, handle first.

When Octavia just looks at it in suspicion and makes no move to take it, Lexa tosses it on the ground at Octavia's feet. "I'm serious, Octavia, I come in peace… just take me to Clarke."

Octavia bends down slowly to pick up the dagger, her eyes not leaving Lexa. There is nothing Octavia wants more than to bury Lexa's own dagger in her chest, but Clarke wouldn't approve. And if Octavia is being honest, she would prefer to avoid war as well.

She really doesn't want to give in to Lexa, but even if she sends Lexa back now, she'll probably just keep coming back until she finally gets what she wants.

"Fine. But we wait here, until the rest of the scouts get here and can escort you." Octavia is not letting Lexa just walk into Camp Jaha by her side.

"And I wouldn't try going by yourself…" Octavia adds as an afterthought, "You see I was trying to do you a favor earlier - not that you deserve it… Bellamy has like twenty people combing the woods for the grounder we spotted earlier - apparently you, and let me tell you, a lot of them won't care you're the Commander. They'll shoot first and ask questions later."

When Lexa nods in gratitude and leans back against the tree, resigned to waiting, Octavia pulls out her radio. She takes a few steps away from Lexa, to give herself some privacy, but still keeping Lexa in sight.

"Raven,… you there? Raven? This is Octavia…"

"Octavia? Where are you? Clarke says 'forget the grounder', she wants everyone to come back to camp since it's getting dark soon."

"I got the grounder… It's Lexa…."

"What…the fuck?" Even through the radio, Raven's outrage is clear… "Clarke is going to _love_ this," she adds sarcastically.

"No shit…" Octavia agrees, "I'm going to wait for Bellamy to get here and then we'll bring her to camp."

"Why don't you just send her back to wherever the hell she came from," Raven whines, not happy at all.

"Trust me, I tried. Tell Clarke we'll be back in like an hour."

* * *

**A/N I was rewatching some earlier episodes and was reminded of what a huge fan I used to be of Anya, which is why some of this stuff on Anya just kind of unintentionally came out in my chapter (confession: I totally shipped Clarke x Anya before I knew Lexa existed ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

**A/N**

**Yes, I know, it's been a while. This is because I made a deal with myself: no more fanfic until I finished my grad school applications. They took longer than expected. Then I got miserably sick and didn't feel like doing shit. Many apologies. **

**The reason this is short is because it's actually only the first part of what was going to be a much longer chapter. The rest isn't completely finished yet, but since I know a lot of you may be getting irritated/worried at the long wait, I've decided to post this now just to reassure you I am still very much working on this story. **

**_Quick recap: _**_When Sky People start shooting and looking for the grounder violating their newly made truce, Lexa is forced to retreat and hide in the woods. She intends to wait for the right moment to sneak into Camp Jaha, but O. finds her first… They have a fun little chat. L. puts O. in her place. O. agrees to bring L. back to camp. _

* * *

**Chapter 9 **

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you?"

Clarke strides up to meet Lexa at the gate, her eyes flashing and her mouth quivering. She is seething. It's been all of _two_ _days_ since Lexa agreed to the terms. Two days! How hard can it be to stay on your own damn side?

Lexa chooses to ignore what is probably a rhetorical question and settles on a simple, "Hello again, Clarke." Her voice is nonchalant, but her tense posture gives away the stress she feels.

Her eyes are squinted as she studies Clarke. Clarke, who may not be intending on murdering her that very second, but whose face nonetheless, vibrates with anger. And who is clearly not impressed with Lexa's 'hello again'.

"What were you thinking? You could have been killed!" Clarke feels herself break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. She tells herself it's _not_ because she actually cares whether Lexa lives or dies, but only because Lexa's death would have been disastrous for them. Forget peace, the grounders would have stopped at nothing to annihilate the Sky People.

"I didn't think…"

"What? You didn't think we were _serious_? You think you can just keep on doing whatever the heck you want?" Clarke's voice gets louder with each question.

She takes in a deep breath in an attempt to control her temper, in an attempt to slip on her mask of careful control. But the total unexpectedness of Lexa showing up at Camp Jaha has caught her off guard and she struggles to rein in her anger.

Lexa, on the other hand is secretly glad to see Clarke all angry and fired up. It's much more preferable than the cold and emotionless Clarke from two days ago. Obviously she would prefer Clarke's anger to be directed at someone other than her, but at least this Clarke, brimming with a fiery anger, is recognizable.

"I never doubted you were serious, Clarke. I wanted to talk and I just came without really thinking about it. I'm sorry." Lexa really does feel remorseful. Truth is, she hadn't really been thinking at all and there were probably a lot of better ways to handle their current situation.

"You weren't thinking? Yeah right…." Clarke mutters sarcastically. Lexa's apology is unexpected, but her explanation flat out unbelievable.

"Since when does the _great_ Commander just do things without thinking…?"

"Since I met you…" Lexa answers without hesitation - the words are out before she can stop them.

If she'd been paying attention to anything other than Clarke, Lexa would have seen Octavia roll her eyes. She doesn't see it though, doesn't really care what Octavia thinks. Her focus is on Clarke, who may not have physically rolled her eyes, but whose silence gives away her skepticism.

An awkward, uncomfortable silence fills the air as the silence stretches on, neither saying anything. Lexa simply watching as Clarke's mind works overtime battling through different theories, trying to figure out whatever the heck Lexa had just meant with that.

In the end, with Lexa offering up no further explanation, Clarke settles with distrust.

"Look, I don't know what game you're playing, but I'm not interested." Clarke wouldn't be played again, she wouldn't fall for Lexa's ploys.

"Game? I'm not playing a game Clarke… You're right; maybe I shouldn't have just come here without warning. But I'm here now and I just want to talk. I've come in peace, I swear. I mean, I'm alone, aren't I?"

While Clarke is actually a little curious to hear what Lexa has to say, she's not going to admit it. She figures it's more of the same 'let's work together' crap that she has no interest in hearing.

"We talked… two days ago. We agreed to terms. There is nothing to talk about."

"I disagree." Lexa, always one of few words doesn't elaborate.

"Regardless, I'm not interested in anything you have to say. My guards will escort you back to the line. Try to stay on your side from now on."

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'm not leaving until we've talked."

Lexa crosses her arms and stares at Clarke defiantly. She knows she's taking a bit of a risk. She's probably only angering Clarke further, but the frustration of the past two days, the endless pacing in her tent comes back to her and she has no intention of leaving without having a serious conversation with Clarke.

"I don't think you have much of a choice, Commander…" Octavia pipes up. She'd been standing slightly off to the right of Clarke the whole time, trying to give them some privacy, while at the same not missing a word that was said. She signals to Bellamy and he quickly closes in on Lexa, surrounding her with a group of the guard.

When Lexa doesn't move but continues her stare down with Clarke, Bellamy moves to grab her by the arm and forcefully pull her away. Lexa yanks her arm away without breaking eye contact with Clarke.

"Don't touch me," she hisses at Bellamy and there's a venom in her voice that's vastly different from the softer tone she'd been using towards Clarke.

Bellamy pauses and looks at Clarke questioningly. Lexa uses that opportunity to stand up just a little taller and lifts her chin in the air.

"I get it, Clarke, you don't _want_ to talk to me. But you're forgetting something. I am the Commander. I am the Commander of 12 clans and if I want to speak with you. You. Will. Listen."

"Are you threatening me? Here? In my own camp?" Clarke looks practically livid.

"No!" Bringing her commandership into this, might not have been the smartest choice and for a slight moment Lexa worries Clarke will have her shot right then and there. Lexa has never not once seen Clarke this angry.

Lexa wants to sigh in frustration. _Why is it so difficult to get Clarke to understand what she's saying?_

"I am not threatening anyone, Clarke. All I'm saying is that I am the Commander and if you want peace between our people you can't just throw me out, because you're angry. And even if you do, I'll come back. Whether you like it or not... I will be heard."

In that moment she's every bit the Commander. Oddly it reminds Clarke of their very first encounter. Then Lexa had had the upper hand, with Clarke surrounded by grounders, and it had made sense that Lexa was in complete control.

But now, even with the tables turned, Lexa acts no differently. She stands tall and dignified. Completely unfazed by how she's outnumbered and basically at the mercy of the Sky People. Unlike Clarke, she's speaks calmly, her words rational and demanding.

Seeing Lexa in her true form as Commander, snaps Clarke out of her anger. She might hate it, but Lexa isn't wrong. She is still Commander. A Commander with the potential to be incredibly dangerous.

It's in times like this that Clarke knows she needs to let go of her own emotions and be the leader her people deserve. Avoiding Lexa is easy, but what's best for her people is making sure a war with the grounders is avoided and right now that means appeasing Lexa.

Clarke can't quite keep the grimace off her face, betraying her unhappiness, as she finally gives in, "Fine. Follow me."

* * *

**A/N**

**Reviews are always welcome :) **

**I can't promise quick updates, but I assure you that I have every intention of continuing/finishing this story. If my updates are slow and you're tired of it, feel free to send me a message and I'll be happy to recommend some of my favorite (completed) clexa fics to keep you entertained. **

**Also… holy shit! I've passed 200 followers. If you'd told me when I posted my first chapter that that might happen, I would have laughed and called you a crazy optimist. But here I am, so many thanks to you all. You guys are the best : ) **


	10. Chapter 10

**\- I do not own the 100 or any of its characters - **

_Recap: L arrives at Camp Jaha… C and L bicker… C finally agrees to have an honest conversation with L._

Clarke and Lexa have a heart-to-heart. Enjoy!

**Chapter 10 **

* * *

Lexa follows Clarke through Camp Jaha as she heads towards the council room, allowing herself the opportunity to take in the changes around the camp. It's barely been more than a week since Mount Weather happened, but the Sky People haven't sat still for a moment.

Camp Jaha has been expanded and many of the tents have been replaced with more permanent structures. Materials that undoubtedly came from Mount Weather have been used to build up the walls, thicker and higher. Two things are obvious; her plan to 'sneak' into Camp Jaha would never have worked. There is no sneaking into Camp Jaha. Not anymore. Secondly, the Sky People have settled. They were here and they were not planning on going anywhere.

The walk to the council room is a short one, but it feels much longer. Partially because Lexa can't deny the nervousness she feels, not quite knowing exactly what she's going to say. And partially because the walk is anything but a quiet one.

Octavia wasn't lying when she had said most of the Sky People don't care that she's the Commander. It's pretty clear why Clarke had come to meet her at the gate and Lexa had at first not been brought inside. Bellamy and a number of other Sky soldiers Lexa doesn't recognize are keeping a crowd - more accurately, a mob - of Sky People at bay. Sky People who are shouting all sorts of outraged and murderous versions of 'kill her'.

Until now Lexa hasn't much considered what the rest of the Sky People think of her, she's mostly been concerned with Clarke. While Lexa knows she's to blame for their very evident hatred, she isn't actually bothered by it. Ever since she'd become Commander, people hating her and wanting her dead are nothing new. So she's keeps her head high and continues to mull over the things she wants to say to Clarke.

When they reach the council room, Lexa waits patiently as Bellamy and Clarke squabble about Clarke being alone in the tent with Lexa.

"I'm _not_ leaving you alone with _her." _Bellamy insists, crossing his arms as he stands by the door. He's not alone. He's signaled four other guards to take up positions in different corners of the council room.

"Bell, it's fine. We're just going to talk."

"Yes, I just want to talk." Lexa adds, but Bellamy ignores her, or at least pretends to.

"She's dangerous."

"She's unarmed." Clarke counters irritatedly.

"That doesn't matt…"

"Bellamy!" Clarke interrupts impatiently, "I just want to get this over with. Ok? Just leave. I can handle her."

"Fine, but if you're not done in ten minutes, I'm coming in." He glares at Lexa when he says the last part.

"You guys too…" Clarke nods to the other guards who follow Bellamy hesitantly out the door.

The door falls shut with a bang, the light echo the only noise left in the room.

Clarke refuses to be the first one to break the silence. Instead she twirls her gun idly on the round table separating them, refusing to look up at Lexa.

Lexa unconsciously follows the movement of Clarke's hand, as she thinks on what to say. She's always been one of few words and silence doesn't bother her. For now she's content just being here in the same room as Clarke, allowing herself to revel in the fact that she's here, unarmed and alive, despite having to have taken Mountain Weather on by herself.

Clarke is less good with silence. The silence feels louder than the angry shouts of the Sky People did just now. The room feels small and hot and with every second of silence, she feels like the walls are closing in on her and she can't take it anymore. Being alone with Lexa is much more confronting than she had imagined and she struggles to keep her mask from slipping. She needs Lexa gone, before she completely loses her grip on her emotions.

"Well….? Talk." Clarke demands impatiently, unwilling to wait any longer.

"You should never be without your guards." It's not what Lexa had intended to say, but the words fall from her lips before she can stop them.

Lexa doesn't like Bellamy much. Well, technically she doesn't know him very well. He was in the mountain for almost the entirety of their alliance, but he was right to be hesitant about leaving his leader alone with someone else.

"Huh?" This is not exactly what Clarke had been expecting as opening line. "We've spoken many times alone."

"We were in an alliance then."

"So… what? You're going to try and kill me now?" Clarke holds up her gun as if to say, 'I'd like to see you try'. She furrows her brow in confusion, not understanding where Lexa is going with this.

"Of course not. _I_ wouldn't, but someone else might. It's just _in general_, as a leader you should always have your guards with you."

"You're telling me how to be a leader? Seriously?" A twinge of outrage sparking Clarke's words. "Trust me, I am _so _done with taking advice from you."

"That's not how I meant it. You're obviously very capable of being a good leader." Lexa says, trying to ignore the pain she feels at Clarke's words. She never should have brought it up. Lexa knows that Clarke _is _a very capable leader, but she's so used to being a mentor and advisor to Clarke that it's still hard to remember that that probably isn't her place anymore.

"I mean, it's not like you came here with any guards," Clarke continues, calling Lexa out on her own hypocrisy.

"I know, and that was a stupid decision." Lexa concedes.

"Then why did you?" Clarkes asks, genuinely curious.

"Something's been bothering me since we spoke two days ago and I can't put it out of my mind. I realized the only thing that might clear my head was if I just came to speak to you. I only left my guards because you would have obviously seen that as a threat."

"Well, what is this 'thing' that's been bothering you?"

"I... I came because I…" Lexa struggles to get the words out. She knows she's come here for an honest conversation, but that doesn't mean that she's used to talking about how she feels. Because she's not.

She tries to swallow her discomfort and reminds herself that while this Clarke may be a lot angrier than before, she's still the same Clarke. The same Clarke she'd already shared so much with.

She settles on asking the question that's been burning on her mind since they'd met two days ago, "The deal…Do you think it was my idea?"

"Huh?" Clarke can feel her patience running thin. She doesn't want to discuss the deal. She wants to know what Lexa really came for. "What does it matter? Just get to the point. Why are you here?"

"_This_ is why I'm here. Clarke, you have to know it wasn't my idea."

"I don't _have_ _to_ know anything."

"I mean, how would it make any sense for you to think it was idea? When would I even have come up with this idea?"

"From the beginning…." Clarke responds, trying to swallow the self-loathing she feels jus thinking about how she'd been expertly played by Lexa from the beginning. She doesn't want to have this conversation.

"From the… beginning?" Lexa stutters incredulously. "How could you think that?"

"Why not? It's a smart idea. I have to give you that. A damn smart plan. The Trigedakru have hated the Sky People from the moment we landed. You only agreed to peace to use us and our technology. And once you no longer needed us, you left us to die. You got your people back and pitted your two enemies against each other. Kill two birds with one stone. Really… it's pretty smart…" Clarke lets the words rush out bitterly, not stopping to take a breath until she's completely finished.

"Stop… Clarke, just stop." Lexa wants to walk around the table and physically shake Clarke. "You _know_ that's _not_ how it happened."

"I don't know that."

"Yes, you do! Clarke, we went through the same things together. We - us two - we were an alliance. A real one. You saved me from the pauna. I protected you from my people. We looked out for each other. We _confided_ in each other. We _felt_ things for each other. Things I haven't felt for anyone since Costia. I know you felt them too…"

"None of that was real," Clarke shrugs, "It was all part of your elaborate ploy, Commander" she nonchalantly tags on Lexa's title, to create some distance between them, feeling uncomfortable with Lexa voicing her feelings.

"I assure you it was real. Very real."

"Maybe, maybe not…" Honestly, Clarke has no idea what to believe. She doesn't even know what she wants to believe. She's tired of asking herself the same questions, and doubting the answers over and over again. She's tired of emotional rollercoasters. "But seriously, it's done. It _really_ doesn't matter anymore."

"It does matter. It matters to me. And it matters to you!"

"It doesn't. I just want to move on from Mount Weather and build a home for my people."

"If it really didn't matter, then why do you refuse to look me in the eye?" Lexa had been searching to make eye contact with Clarke since she started talking, hoping to convey her sincerity through her eyes, but to no avail.

At the same time, it's Clarke's unwillingness to meet her eyes that gives Lexa hope that despite Clarke wearing a mask of indifference, she _is_ affected and she cares more than she is willing to admit. _Why else would she continually avoid contact?_

Clarke has indeed spent most of their conversation looking down at the table, finding solace in the repetitive twirling of her gun. It keeps her grounded. She's watched Lexa out of the corner of her eye, but has avoided looking high enough to meet her eyes. She's not afraid of Lexa, only of the memories that looking into Lexa's eyes will bring back to her. Memories better not dwelt on.

Irritated at Lexa calling her out on it though, Clarke slowly looks up and meets Lexa's gaze. "It. Doesn't. Matter." Except for a spark of defiance, her eyes give away nothing.

"Alright… so it doesn't matter to you…" Lexa concedes unconvinced, but deciding not to push Clarke any further. She pauses, letting silence once again envelope the room, as she tries to decide the best way to continue.

"Clarke, it matters - at least to me - because if you believe that we willingly, intentionally planned on betraying our alliance with the Sky People, there will be never be a future together for our people. Your distrust and hatred will ruin any chance of long-lasting peace for our people."

"You mean, for _your_ people." _Finally_, Clarke thinks, _Lexa's finally gotten around to why she's really here_. "I knew it, you just came here to try and talk yourself into a new alliance with the Sky People. Well, forget it."

"I _am_ here for my people. But not only for them. Since Mount Weather, I have thought of nothing but _you_. Clarke, look at me…." Lexa waits until Clarke once again hesitantly meets het gaze, her eyebrows raised skeptically.

"The thought that _you_ would actually think _I_ would _intend_ to betray you, physically hurts me… I could never have planned to hurt you like that. I'm here for _us_, Clarke. It wasn't my idea, but as long as you believe it was, we - you and I - can never have peace. And that's what I want - for us to have peace."

"Us?" Clarke scoffs, "Are you really talking about an 'us' right now?" She honestly can't quite believe what she's hearing. "There is no 'us'. There _never_ will be."

Lexa winces at the ferocity with which Clarke speaks the words. "Clarke, you have to understand why I did it…"

"You left us to _die_… there is no explanation that will make me understand that." Clarke is done looking away. She meets Lexa's gaze head-on. Her words cold, leaving no room for argument.

"My hand was forced…"

"You left us to die."

"He had my people lined up, he was going to _kill_ them."

"You left us to die," Clarke, evenly repeats again.

"I didn't have a choice! My people…" Lexa's words come out more frantically with each time Clarke reminds her of what she's done.

"You left_ me_ to die," the words are whispered this time and Clarke can barely suppress the tremor in her voice as she speaks them, cursing herself as her emotions break through the surface.

Lexa takes a step back at the pain in Clarke's voice and in that moment she hates herself more than anything in the world.

When Lexa doesn't respond right away, Clarke repeats her words, stronger this time. The pain is still there, but the tremor is gone, replaced completely with bitterness.

"You left ME to die, Lexa."

"AND IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE." Hearing Clarke speak her name again, leaves Lexa feeling overcome with a sense of helplessness. That she will never be able to make Clarke understand. Something flickers in Clarke's eyes, but Lexa can't put her finger on it.

But Clarke looks away then, unable to look in Lexa's eyes any longer. Because Lexa's eyes are raw and there's a twinge of moisture in them that Clarke has never before seen in Lexa's eyes. They shine with vulnerability and sincerity.

There's a small voice in the back of Clarke's mind that whispers that Lexa is still lying, still playing a game, but she knows it's not true. She's seen what Lexa looks like when she lies and this isn't it.

This is Lexa being completely honest.

A part of Clarke wants to put push aside her anger and hatred and go to Lexa. To pull her into her arms and just for a minute forget everything that's happened. To simply be the Clarke and Lexa they had been before Mount Weather happened.

But Clarke pushes down whatever feelings might bubble up. It was stupid to have engaged with Lexa. To have let her personal feelings shine through.

Her hand unconsciously finds its way to the pocket of her jacket, where she idly fingers the little piece of paper with the words 'love is weakness' that is still there. A reminder of her priorities.

She's done with emotions. She needs to be clearheaded and calculated for her people. She can't allow her complicated past with Lexa to play any role in the decisions she makes regarding her people.

Plus there was no use pretending. Even if she did allow herself to feel, Lexa's words can't change anything. They can't take away the pain or the hurt she felt at Lexa's betrayal. Nothing can.

Thankfully she's afforded an opportunity to collect herself as Bellamy chooses that exact moment to stick his head around the corner. Suspiciously eyeing Lexa, who growls in irritation at his inopportune disruption, Bellamy raises his left eyebrow at Clarke, silently asking if she's alright.

She nods her head at him, wordlessly mouthing 'five more minutes'. Secretly she's glad for his interruption. It's short, but enough to break the tension in the room and Clarke can feel her resolve returning.

"Ok." She says, as she watches Bellamy gently close the door behind him.

"Ok?" Lexa looks up hopefully. But she tempers her expectations, when she can't find any flicker of emotion left in Clarke's eyes. They're empty.

"Ok. Whatever you say, Commander. So, it wasn't your idea. You felt like you had no choice."

"I _didn't_ have a choice," Lexa insists.

"Don't kid yourself, Commander. There is always a choice. You _chose_ your people and in the process you sacrificed our alliance. Maybe you never planned to turn on us, but you did. And now you have to live with that." There's a hardness in her voice that makes Lexa feel like they've made absolutely no progress.

Lexa refuses to give up though, "What's lost can be rebuilt. Alliances can be rebuilt. Trust can be rebuilt."

Clarke shakes her head firmly, "You're wrong, trust can't be rebuilt. Not between our people."

"This isn't just about trust, though. I understand that it will take time, but in the long run our people _can _help each other. You have to see that, Clarke. We know the ground better than you. Which other clans there are, that might be a threat to you. We know how to farm these grounds - which crops to grow where. The things your books taught you in the Sky, won't help you here. I can help you set up trading routes with other villages, so you can trade for cloth or spices or weapons. Things that will make the lives of your people better."

"Better, maybe. But also more dangerous. I won't risk the lives of my people by trusting the Trigedakru for help again. Everything we need, we have here. We'll be fine."

"So what? You're going to stay in here, surrounded by your walls. Is that the plan?"

"For now."

"You've traded your Sky prison, for a prison on the ground. Don't you see that?"

"If that's what it takes to survive, then so be it."

"I thought you deserved more than that?" Lexa counters, throwing back Clarke's very own words from right before the battle of Mount Weather back at her.

"I was being naïve."

"You were being right. You _do _deserve more than this Clarke. I can help…"

"No, just stop. I've made my decision. There will be no alliance. No cooperation. No 'help'. You will return to your people and our truce will stand. But that's it."

Clarke is done. She's done with this conversation. She doesn't need to hear Lexa telling her about what she deserves or reminding her about moments she shared with Lexa before everything went wrong. She needs to remain focused and the longer she keeps talking to Lexa the harder that becomes.

"Your ten minutes are up. You've said what you've wanted to say. It's time for you to leave."

"I see I cannot convince you to change your mind and I understand. But I won't stop trying," She really won't. In that moment Lexa makes herself a promise that just like Clarke had once convinced her that she deserved more than just survival, she will convince Clarke. Regardless of how long it takes.

Before she goes, Lexa has one last thing she needs Clarke to understand. "Answer me this, Clarke: Do you really wish for our truce to hold?"

"Yes, I may not want an alliance, but we are not looking for war either. The truce stands."

"As is, it won't stand for long."

"What's that supposed to mean? More threats?" Clarke scoffs.

"No, no threats. It's just that your truce is not really a viable truce. I agreed to it only because you did not seem willing to negotiate at all when we last spoke. But Clarke, you must understand that waving a piece of paper with a crudely drawn map and a single dividing line, is no truce."

"It is the only truce we have."

"I suggest we renegotiate."

"Renegotiate? I don't think so."

"Clarke, you do not realize that you have claimed for yourself land that did not belong to you. Pieces here and there from different villages and clans. I have sent word to tell them to respect your boundaries for now, but they will not always listen. Sooner or later they will come back to take what is theirs.

I have had to temporarily stop certain trade routes that run through these lands because you will not allow any 'grounder' on them. These are trade routes with other clans. Trade routes that have existed for years. I cannot stop them permanently. Villages rely on these trade routes for essential supplies."

"Can't they go around? Aren't there other routes?" Clarke knows it's not that simple, but she doesn't' want to admit that she really hadn't considered any of these points when she'd suggested the truce.

Ever since the 100 had landed on the ground, they'd focused on only one thing: survival. They'd been fighting for their lives since the day they got here and in the process; Clarke hadn't realized that life wasn't only war and boundaries. That for many people, there was more than that. That life continued.

"Maybe for some routes," Lexa agrees, "But not all, the only trade route with the Boat Clan, for example, runs through these woods. If you want a truce, Clarke, you must allow life to continue as it always has. People do not like change."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"I gather the leaders of the different clans that directly surround you and we discuss the terms of a truce together. Something we can all agree on."

"Not an alliance. Just a truce?" Clarke questions, needing to know that Lexa realizes that if she agrees to this, it will _not _be the start of an alliance.

"Just a truce," Lexa assures, "So we can all live together peacefully."

"Fine we'll 'renegotiate'. But we do it here. On Sky Grounds."

"Ok. I can live with that. Thank you, Clarke."

"I'm not doing it for you… or your people." Clarke's doing it for Jasper and Monty and Octavia and Raven and all of her other people. Her people, who unlike her, do deserve better than to be cooped up in a cage that they've built for themselves on the ground.

"I know, but still, thank you."

"Ok, then…I guess we're done here. I'll walk you to the gate." Without waiting for a response, Clarke heads out of the council room.

Lexa follows slowly, She knows she should be happy that Clarke has at least agreed to renegotiate the terms of the truce, but still she can't hide her disappointment. Lexa had allowed herself to be vulnerable during her conversation with Clarke, but she'd been faced with a wall of carefully controlled anger. She'd been unable to get really get through to Clarke on a more personal level.

The walk back to the gate is a quiet one. Most of the Sky People have scattered back to their workstations and those that remain simply watch on cautiously.

When they reach the gate, an awkward silence unfolds as Clarke doesn't quite know if and how she should say goodbye.

"Uh, Bellamy and a few of his guards will escort you back to the line."

"Ok. I will send word out to the leaders of the other clans and tell them to come immediately."

"Come in ten days."

"Clarke, the sooner we do this the better."

"I know, but I have something to take care of in the meantime. And our people will still be here in ten days. Here," Clarke pulls out the radio that was attached to her side. "Take this with you. If you press the button here and then speak, we should be able to hear you back here. That way we can communicate. If any of your people have no choice but to enter _our_ territory, just let us know beforehand, so we don't shoot them."

"Thank you, Clarke. The Trigedakru will respect the terms of the truce until new terms are set. See you in ten days."

"Goodbye, Commander."

* * *

**So far, my story has basically been building up to this conversation and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it! **

**Clarke isn't there yet, but more heart-to-hearts are coming up. **


	11. Chapter 11

**\- **I do not own the 100 or any of its characters -

_**I know it's been months since I first started writing this story, but for our characters it's only been give or take 10 days. So for everyone's clarity's sake, this has roughly been the timeline so far (so it's all straight in our heads):**_

Day 0: Mount Weather defeated.

Day 1: Clarke leaves Camp Jaha.

Day 4: Clarke returns to camp.

Day 5: Octavia goes to Ton DC to suggest a meeting.

Day 7: Meeting takes place - a truce is decided.

Day 9: Lexa goes to Camp Jaha to talk to Clarke.

Day 10-11: Chapter 11

_**You can thank s-mayumi for requesting bigger chapters, cuz this is my longest one so far. Hopefully it'll be worth the wait. Enjoy and don't forget to follow or favorite!**_

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Part I (Mount Weather)

The smell of death hits Clarke, like being thrown into a wall, the smell so repugnant that it knocks her back and she stumbles backwards into Octavia. She looks around and what she sees is worse than the smell. The bodies are strewn around exactly as they'd left them. Faces distorted and eyes wide, filled with horror and pain. Eyes that Clarke feels are boring straight into her soul.

She can't take it.

"I can't… I can't…" She shoves past Octavia and rushes out the door. The smell of decomposing bodies follows her out and she falls to her knees as she vomits and vomits. Until there's nothing left to vomit and even then she continues to dry heave. Tears streak down her face. She'd known it would be tough to come back to Mount Weather, but this… this is way worse than what she'd expected.

All the feelings of guilt and horror at what she'd done, that she'd thought she'd successfully pushed down, rush to the surface and all she can feel is death and shame and more death.

"Clarke… hey, it's okay… it's okay…. you're okay…" Octavia holds back Clarke's hair and pulls her into a hug, trying to comfort her with simple assurances.

"You know, we don't have to do this. Let's just go back to Camp Jaha", Octavia says when Clarke has finally calmed down.

"It's fine. I'm fine," Clarke mutters, as she pulls herself up. The tremble in her voice and the shaken look on her face, however tell Octavia that she is definitely not fine.

"No you're not… Come on, this isn't worth it. We already took all of their stuff, our own walls are strong, we don't need Mount Weather as another base. Let's just get out of here."

"I can't…"

"What do you mean you can't? Seriously, Clarke. We don't need the Mountain."

"It's not about that…" Clarke's voice trails off… While the Mountain really can offer more protection than Camp Jaha ever could, she knows most of the Sky People wouldn't want to live here anyways. And it's true, if they continue to have peace with the grounders, they don't need it.

Personally, Clarke would be happy if she never stepped foot within a mile of the mountain. But it wouldn't be right.

"I can't leave them like this, O" Clarke pleads to Octavia, hoping she'll understand. "No one deserves to be left like this. We have to bury them."

"Dead people don't deserve anything, Clarke. Especially not dead Mountain Men. And they would have fed our dead - or half dead - bodies to the reapers," Octavia spits out. She'd be fine watching wild animals come in and rip and eat up the corpses."

"But we're not _them_, O. We can't be."

"We're not..." Octavia reassures Clarke, "but we don't owe them anything either."

"Some of them - many of them - helped us…" _and I killed them… _"Look," Clarke continues, "you don't have to understand. You can go back and take the rest with you. I'll do it on my own."

"Really? You're going to drag out and bury some 400 bodies… on your own? Good luck with that…" Octavia lets out a dry laugh in disbelief.

"I don't know… ok… I don't know. I just know I have to do this."

"Hey, ok. No one is going anywhere… We knew what you were planning when we left Camp Jaha. Everyone here volunteered to come and help. It might take a few days, but we'll get it done."

"Thank you…" Clarke sighs in relief. "I know you don't understand, O, and I can't explain it. It's just I do owe them, at least the ones that helped. And the others… nobody deserves to die like this. And now they're dead. It's the least I can do. It's all I can do. To respect them, honor them. To give them peace."

"Alright, alright… I get it…" Octavia does get it. She also knows it's not just about giving them peace, but also about giving Clarke closure. And if cleaning up the bodies will give Clarke just a little bit of peace, it's worth it for Octavia.

They head over to where the thirty or so Sky People who had volunteered to help were waiting. A lot of them were from the 46. They know Clarke had done what she had to, but they also know they would probably have been dead much sooner if it weren't for those in the mountain who had helped them. Bellamy had wanted to come, but Clarke had told him to stay back. Someone had to keep an eye on Camp Jaha.

"Ok, everyone listen up! I want six people on watch at all times. The rest of us work in teams of 4, one radio per team, guns on you at all times. There's a large clear area about a kilometers northwest from here. We'll dig the graves there. Once some of the graves are done, we can start bringing out the bodies. When that happens, we'll need to plug our noses. And be prepared, it's not a pretty sight."

"Will the clearing be big enough?" Kane asks.

"Probably not… I want two teams clearing out the woods on the edge of the clearing to create more space. We need a few larger graves. We'll throw the soldiers together. Everyone that helped us, and the children and the regular people that didn't know any better, they get their own grave."

"That's a lot of graves…."

"Yes… which is why we better get started," Clarke responds. "Oh and guys? I want to say thank you for coming here. I know some of you don't understand why I think we have to do this. So thanks for helping anyways. And I won't force you to stay here. If at any moment, it gets too much - which I would totally understand - you can stop and go back to camp. I won't hold it against you."

"Ok, let's get to it," Kane takes over as he begins to divide people into teams, assigning tasks. Once shovels and axes have been distributed and everyone starts heading down to the clearing, Kane stops by Clarke.

"You okay?" he asks. He'd noticed how distraught she'd looked after leaving the mountain, but hadn't wanted to address it in front of everyone.

"I'm okay. I just have to get to work. Keep busy, you know?"

"I understand. I was just wondering about one thing. I've seen the map you drew out for the truce. Doesn't part of the clearing up ahead stretch onto Trigedakru land?"

"A little…" Clarke admits sheepishly… "But it's only maybe 10 meters across the border. They definitely don't use that stretch, so I doubt they'll even notice… and if they do, what are they gonna do?

"Alright… if you say so… And Clarke, I want you to know that I at least understand why you're doing this. And I think it's the right thing to do."

"Thank you, Kane," Clarke replies, relieved that at least someone understands - and that not everyone thinks she's crazy.

* * *

Part II (Ton DC)

The people of Ton DC, warriors and villagers alike, had found it strange when Lexa had left, alone, without protection to seek out Clarke of the Sky People. Numerous theories as to her reasoning had been offered up and discussed. Rumors had spread through Ton DC like wildfire that perhaps the Commander was fond of the Sky Princess and that it had made her reckless and foolish.

A restless unease had settled over the village. Some worried she would be killed by the Sky People - the Sky Princess's ruthlessness was after all widely feared after Mount Weather. So much so, that many of the warriors had taken up arms and declared they were going after her. Indra had forbidden it, however. Lexa on her own might have a chance - Clarke might choose to hear her out. Send warriors, however, and a fight would be inevitable. Indra wasn't willing to risk the lives of good warriors on Lexa's emotional spree. Besides, she knew Lexa would not have wanted it.

Others - the gossipers and those who had never stopped resenting the Commander for her alliance with the Sky People - were more worried that Lexa's departure was a sign she was no longer fit to be Commander. That her 'feelings' for the Sky Princess were a sign of weakness and that this could be the beginning of many mistakes the Commander would make. That perhaps the Commander might even choose to protect the Sky People to the detriment of her own people.

Most of them dared not speak too loudly of their concerns. Those that did were met with fierce opposition - to the point where Indra had had to intervene on multiple occasions to break up fights. Lexa did after all still claim the loyalty of the majority of her people. People who may worry at her departure and perhaps even her state of mind, but who would never question her leadership or her loyalty to her own people.

Indra had told everyone to calm down, as it had barely been a day, which was understandable considering the distance between Camp Jaha and Ton DC. Nevertheless, the unease and tension had risen with every hour that Lexa had stayed away.

Just when Indra had begun to worry that she might have a riot on her hands, Lexa had burst through the woods. She'd looked worn out and exhausted, but otherwise seemingly unharmed.

The whole village had clamored around her demanding an explanation. Lexa had not explained why she had left without explanation or why she had left alone. She didn't need to. She was the Commander.

She'd simply declared that her trip had been successful. She'd worn a triumphant smile as she'd proclaimed that the Sky People had come around and were now willing to renegotiate the truce and that soon they would agree to terms more favorable to the alliance of the 12 clans.

While this was a tremendous relief to all - especially to those with connections in villages on the other side of Camp Jaha - many had stuck around expecting to hear more details about the Commander's journey. Lexa, however, hadn't felt the need to offer up any more information, so she had simply demanded everyone get back to work and then she'd headed to her tent.

After Lexa had taken a short break to eat and drink, she'd gone down to help with her people who were rebuilding the destroyed parts of Ton DC. Seeing her actively working alongside her people was enough to remove any lingering worry her people might have felt

Things quickly went back to normal after that. The unease and tension lifted with Lexa's return and the same carefree - almost happy - atmosphere that the fall of Mount Weather had created, slowly returned.

Perhaps the only person who held Lexa's recklessness against her was Indra. They hadn't spoken since Lexa's return as Lexa had gone right to work, but Indra lingered in the Commander's shadows. Always just a few steps away. Sometimes she would take a step closer and open her mouth as if to say something, but then she'd think better of it and retreat back a few steps. This new Lexa, who showed her emotions more easily, was also harder to predict and it made Indra cautious with her words.

None of this escaped Lexa's attention and after a few hours she was fed up with it.

"Indra, you have never shied away from speaking your mind before, so why start now? If you wish to speak, speak!"

"I… I have nothing to say Commander. I'm just working." Indra responds with a shrug.

"Do not lie to me, Indra," Lexa says, softening her words with a slight smile "I know you well enough to know when you wish to speak."

"I think we should discuss the upcoming negotiations and I wish to brief you on the events that transpired in your absence." It's not really what's on Indra's mind, but it's a safer topic, so Indra goes with it.

"Very well. Let's speak in my tent" Lexa responds as she turns around and heads to her tent without waiting for a response from Indra.

Once the flap of the tent has closed behind Indra, Lexa explains exactly what the upcoming negotiations mean for their people.

"We'll invite Luna of the Boat Clan since most of the villages surrounding Camp Jaha on the south and east belong to her people. The Desert Clan and River Clan can send a representative if they wish because their trade routes run through Sky territory."

"What about the villages directly bordering Sky territory?" Indra asks, knowing some of them had voiced displeasure at Lexa's lack of action to put the Sky People in place.

"Yes, the village heads of all the villages bordering Sky territory will be allowed to be present," Lexa agrees, "they will want to see to it that fair terms are agreed to."

"Should we send word to the Ice Nation?" Indra questions.

"Their borders are nowhere near Camp Jaha. Why would they need to be there?"

"They don't. But if they hear of the negotiations, they will wish to attend."

"They have no business there. I will speak on behalf of the 12 clans."

"The Ice Queen will be unhappy," Indra warns.

"The Ice Queen is always unhappy with what I do. She'll get over it," Lexa says, shrugging off Indra's concerns.

"Commander, there have been reports that now that the Mountain has fallen, the Ice Nation wish to leave the alliance of the 12 clans."

"Of course… once they no longer need the alliance, they quit. How typical…" Lexa mutters sarcastically. "How credible are these reports?"

"Very, I have heard news that they are strengthening their army. I fear they do not intend to leave the alliance quietly. And if they go, other clans may follow."

"Why am I only hearing of this now?" Lexa demands angrily.

"I tried to tell you before…"

"Try harder, next time." Lexa knows it's not really fair, but in times like this she needs Indra more than ever. She needs Indra to keep pushing and pushing to make sure she stays focused.

"Yes, Commander."

"If what you say is true, all the more reason not to invite them to the negotiations. They may use the Sky People to stir up dissent among the different clans of the alliance. It is best we keep them out of it."

When Indra nods in agreement, Lexa continues, "Ok, then it's decided. Send riders out to the villages and the Clans - avoid Sky territory for now. We do not wish to antagonize them before the negotiations. And from now on, I wish to hear every little thing pertaining to the Ice Nation. At the negotiations, I will discuss strategy further with Luna."

"Yes, Commander."

"Is there anything else I should know?" Lexa questions, not wanting any more surprises.

There is one more thing..."

"What is it?"

"While you were away… the people worried," Indra begins hesitantly.

"Yes, I know. But things have settled down now. It's fine."

"They did not just worry. Some spoke out against you. Against your leadership… there were whispers that you were unfit to be Commander."

"What? Who?" Lexa demands, outraged and Indra starts to sum up a list of the people she's aware of who had been the main instigators.

Lexa growls in frustration at hearing the names of some of the men who she had fought alongside with in many battles. "I have been the perfect Commander since the day I became Commander. I deserve to be able to make one mistake without my people immediately plotting against me!"

"No, you don't."

"….what?"

"You are not like other people. You are the Commander, Heda. You cannot just make mistakes. Ever. The lives of your people depend on it."

"So… what? You agree with them? I am no longer fit to be Commander. Is that what you have been meaning to say to me this whole time, but just haven't dared?"

"No, of course not! It's just…" Indra doesn't know how to continue. She already regrets the words that she'd let slip out.

"Speak true, Indra," Lexa sighs, "I am not going to add you to the list of names you just summed up, if that is what you fear. I know I should not have left the way I did. You are my most trusted advisor and I know you mean well, so speak freely."

"Ok," Indra pauses as she takes a deep breath, "You were lucky this time. That the Sky People did not kill you, that Clarke agreed to listen to you. You were lucky. You cannot trust luck. I fear this is not the only mistake you will make and that the next time you - or our people - will not be so lucky."

"There won't be a next time, so you don't have to worry about that."

"You say that now… but since Mount Weather you have been different. There is a new side of you - a side that is reckless and doesn't listen to reason - a side that is better kept buried."

"Are you calling me weak…?" Lexa questions in a dangerous, low voice.

"No! You are the opposite of weak, Commander. But I fear, that you will let the Sky Princess cloud your judgment. You made a difficult choice when you betrayed the alliance, but it was the right choice for our people. And the Sky People are alive and well. We do not owe them anything."

"I know that!"

"Then, I do not understand why you are so set on reviving the alliance. If they do not want it, let them be."

"It's not just for the Sky People, Indra. An alliance can help both our people. They have knowledge of medicine and technology we can benefit from. I am thinking of our future."

"We have survived years without their so-called technology and medicine, we will continue to survive… We both know this isn't really about both of our peoples."

"What else could it be about?" Lexa sighs, not following Indra's train of thought.

"This is about Clarke of the Sky People. You care for her." Indra stares up defiantly at Lexa. She knows she is probably crossing a line here. But now that's she said it, there's no going back. She will confront Lexa on her feelings for the Sky Girl.

"Yes, I care for her."

Indra's mouth drops open in surprise. Of all the responses she might have gotten from the Commander, she had not expected the Commander to actually admit it.

"I'm not going to deny it, Indra. What of it? The fact that I care for her does not change that an alliance can be beneficial to both our people."

"You caring for her will cloud your judgment, Commander."

"It won't… and if it does. You will clear it up. That is why I have you."

"You are not always easily persuaded…"

"Ah Indra, you are overreacting. I made one reckless mistake. After Mount Weather, I was weak. I admit that. But my head has since cleared. I am the same Commander I always was. Caring for the Sky Princess changes nothing. I may care for her, but I also care for our people."

"And what if you must choose between her and our people? What then?" The words leave Indra's mouth before she can stop them.

For a second Lexa thinks she might have misheard…because there in no way Indra just questioned her loyalty to her people.

"Are. You. Serious?" She finally murmurs low and barely audible. Her eyes spark with outrage and Indra takes a step back.

"Are. You. Serious?" Lexa repeats when Indra doesn't answer. She's shouting now and her words are followed by a long string of curse words in Trigedasleng. Indra winces at the ferocity of them.

"No, no, no, I'm not.. I'm sorry…" she quickly pleads.

"I told you to speak freely because I thought you would give me advice. I would have been fine with you questioning my leadership or even with questioning the wiseness of my feelings for Clarke. As my advisor it is after all your duty to question my actions and decisions. But this…? YOU DARE QUESTION MY LOYALTY TO OUR PEOPLE?"

The crack of skin contacting skin echoes through the tent as Lexa whips her hand hard across Indra's face, the slap catching Indra completely by surprise that she stumbles, loses her footing and falls backwards onto the ground.

Lexa ignores the stinging pain in the palm of her hand as clenches and unclenches her fists in attempt to calm the rage she feels bubbling up inside her. She feels betrayed that Indra, who knows her better than any Trigedakru would question her devotion to her people.

"How. Dare. You? After everything? You of all people should know that my people always have and always will come first. When the Ice Queen captured, tortured and beheaded Costia, did I begin a war I knew our people wouldn't win? No! I made an alliance with them," she spits, "When the Mountain demanded I retreat and leave the Sky People - leave Clarke - to die in exchange for the lives of our people, did I keep fighting?"

"Heda… I'm sorry" Indra whispers, still from the floor.

"I said, did I keep fighting?" Lexa repeats, demanding an answer from Indra.

"No, you didn't."

"Why not?"

"You chose our people" Indra admits ashamed. "Heda, I didn't mean to question you. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I only wanted to be sure, to hear you say that you would choose our people."

"After everything I've done, I shouldn't have to _say_ it… Now, get out of my sight. You are no longer my advisor."

"What? Heda, you are not serious…"

"I assure you I am. I cannot be surrounded by people who do not believe in me, who do trust that I will do what's best for our people."

"Heda, I do trust you… with my life!"

"I said… GET OUT!" Lexa shouts, tired of this discussion. In this moment, she feels the full weight of being a leader. Always having to make the impossible decisions, only to still continually be distrusted and doubted by the very people she has sacrificed everything for.

Indra scrambles out the door, sensing Lexa is serious and not wanting to experience what might happen if she sticks around any longer.

When the tent flap opens again barely a minute later, Lexa growls in irritation. "I told you to get out."

"Heda?" a voice asks in confusion and Lexa looks up to see, not Indra, but one of her spies.

She sighs, "It's okay, come in. What do you have to report?"

"A group of Sky People have gathered at Mount Weather."

"Mount Weather is still on their territory. They can do what they want. Why does this concern us?"

"Because some of them are working in the clearing slightly to the northwest of the Mountain. The border runs there. And some have crossed it. They are clearing trees that are grounded on _our _side."

"That's curious…" Lexa mutters. She had not expected Clarke to risk breaking their truce so close to the upcoming negotiations. "Exactly what are they doing?"

"Some are clearing trees, others are digging holes."

"Digging?" The wheels are turning in Lexa's head but none of this makes any sense. Perhaps she had misread her conversation with Clarke. Perhaps this was part of a strategy to expand their territory. Or perhaps they were setting traps around the borderline.

"How many are there?" She demands to know.

"Thirty. The Sky Princess is there. As well as Octavia and the one they call Marcus Kane. The others I do not recognize."

"Armed?"

"As far as I can tell, yes."

"Gather thirty men. We leave at once to check it out."

* * *

Part III (Mount Weather)

"You know, you should go back and help with the digging," Octavia says as she nudges Clarke, "You've been dragging out bodies ever since we started bringing them out."

Clarke just shrugs in response, slightly tightening the cloth she wears across her face. The smell still manages to seep through, but at least her urge to continually puke has passed.

"Forget digging, go take a break, you're wearing yourself out," Octavia continues slightly concerned. They'd rotated through different tasks and taken breaks in shifts, but Clarke had simply hopped from team to team, never allowing herself to stop and rest.

"I'm fine, O. I'll rest when this is done." Clarke sinks down to the ground next to the body of an older woman. She slowly leans across her body and gently closes the woman's eyes, taking in a shuddering breath as she does so. "Here, help me lift her" she calls to Octavia as she grabs the woman under her armpits and waits for Octavia to grab her legs. Realizing Clarke is not planning on listening to her, Octavia goes over to help her.

They place the bodies next to each other on a large cart, which Monty and Miller are waiting to pull down to the clearing.

Clarke passes Jasper on the way back in the mountain and she pauses, lightly grabbing him by the arm. They haven't spoken since Mount Weather. Every time Clarke had tried, he'd walked away without a word, without making eye contact.

"Jasper… You doing okay?"

"Am I… doing okay? What kind of an idiotic question is that?" Jasper growls in response, shaking free from Clarke's grip.

"I…" Clarke takes a step back in response to his answer.

"Of course I'm not doing okay! These were Maya's people, her family, her friends!" Jasper says as he wildly waves his hand around the room indicating all the bodies still lying there. His hair is disheveled and his eyes slightly wild, "And you killed them!"

"Give it a rest, Jasper" Octavia says as she steps up between him and Clarke, "Clarke did what she had to do…"

"Yes, yes I know. She did what she had to do," Jasper responds using air quotes. "The _almighty_ Clarke is _always_ just doing what she has to do. I just don't get why it ALWAYS has to include a massive body count."

"Drop it Jasper… or get out of here," Octavia warns in a low voice.

"No, he's not wrong," Clarke interrupts, "Jasper, I know you're grieving for Maya and there's nothing I can say, no explanation or justification that will change that. I just want you to know, I'm sorry… I'm really sorry."

"You're right, there's nothing you can say…" he mutters before turning and striding away, further into the mountain.

"Don't listen to him Clarke, he's just upset about Maya and looking for someone to blame."

"But I _am _to blame. She's dead because of me."

"No, you made the only choice you could make. Her death - all of these deaths - are on Cage's head. He could have let everyone go, could have avoided a war, but he didn't. He forced you to make the decision you made. This is on him" Octavia argues, tired of seeing her friend carry the guilt and burden of hundreds of deaths.

"I wish I could believe that…" Clarke responds quietly, sadly. When she turns to get back to work, Octavia grabs her arm and pulls her towards the entrance.

"Clarke, we're taking a break - whether you want to or not. If you continue like this, you will collapse. You look even worse than Jasper."

When Clarke doesn't even have the energy to argue back, but just numbly follows after Octavia, Octavia knows she made the right call. "Ten minutes… ten minutes" is all Clarke mumbles and Octavia will take it. It's better than nothing.

A little later, when the next cart with bodies is being pulled towards the clearing, Clarke follows along to check on how the rest of the teams are doing.

They're about halfway there when Clarke's radio buzzes.

"Clarke? Clarke, you there? This is Monroe."

"Monroe, what have you got for me?"

"Grounder movement coming down from the north. I'm thinking like twenty to thirty of them. Heading straight in our direction."

"Shit…" Clarke curses, "Do you recognize anyone?"

"Can't make out faces very clearly, but I'm pretty sure the Commander is with them. I'd recognize her face paint anywhere."

"Shit shit SHIT!" Literally the last thing Clarke can handle today is a meeting with the Commander. "Ok, pull back. Everyone across the border needs to pull back immediately. We cannot be on their side when they get here. I'm coming down there now."

When Clarke gets to the clearing, everyone has stopped working and is anxiously waiting for her instructions.

"What do we do? Do we find cover or do we leave?" Monty asks.

"We're not leaving, we're not even halfway done," Octavia retorts defiantly.

"She's right," Clarke agrees, "We can do whatever we want on our side. So everyone, just get back to work."

"I thought you said they wouldn't notice," Kane questions, "If they're coming all the way out here, they probably mind more than we thought they would."

"Lexa won't attack without being provoked. We'll stay on our side and clear things up when she gets here. Position more guards if it makes you feel better, but for the rest we keep working" Clarke says as she picks up a shovel and marches toward one of the half dug graves.

"Alright, you heard her," Kane motions to the others who still stand around cautiously. He does pick out a few more guards to place along the border.

"What are you going to say to her?" Octavia asks Clarke. Clarke groans in response and leans her head on the top of the shovel. She can feel a splitting headache coming on and her whole body tingles with exhaustion. "I don't know… I really don't know."

"Want me to talk to her?"

Clarke lifts her head in surprise, "You'd be okay with that?"

"Yeah, I mean the Commander doesn't scare me. And she probably just wants to know what we're doing. No big deal. Just go back to the mountain."

"Thank you, O. I'm just really not up for it right now. Just… don't provoke her alright?"

"I won't," but there's a smirk on her face that makes Clarke worry she's not entirely serious.

"I'm serious, O. Show her some respect."

"Ok, I will, I promise."

* * *

Part IV (a little later)

When Lexa gets closer, her warriors spread out to form a long line across the border. The Sky People look on uneasily, but Octavia holds her head high as she strides toward Lexa.

"Octavia."

"Commander."

"My scouts reported that Clarke was here as well," Lexa says while scanning the clearing looking for the familiar streak of blond hair.

"She's back at the mountain, she's asked me to speak on her behalf."

"Oh," Lexa says, sounding slightly disappointed, but she shrugs it off. "Tell me what business the Sky People have here," she demands.

"If you wanted to know, why didn't you just use the radio Clarke gave you? Could have saved yourself a trip down here, seeing as we're not actually doing anything wrong."

"I do not like speaking through a box," Lexa responds dismissively, "Now tell me what business you have here."

"No business that concerns you, Commander. As you can see, we are on _our _side of the border. We can do what we want," Octavia answers impatiently.

"This is true. But tell me, Octavia of the Sky People, how did _these_ bushes on _this_ side of the border get uprooted, if you have only stayed on your side?"

"Uhmm, how should I know? It was probably the wind or wild animals or something" Octavia shrugs, sounding disinterested, like she really doesn't know, or doesn't care.

Lexa is having none of it, however. "Do not play games with me Octavia. I am no fool. Does it not seem unfair that Clarke would threaten to shoot any Trigedakru on sight that passes onto Sky territory, and yet she then sends her own people onto Trigedakru land? Perhaps I should have had my scouts shoot on sight when they saw your people…."

"Okay, Commander, you're right. It was not right of us…" Octavia admits, opting for a more respectful tone to try and placate the Commander. "But it's only a couple of meters onto Trigedakru land, surely it will not seriously affect your people?"

"Is that your plan?" Lexa asks angrily, "Take a few meters here, a few meters there, slowly expanding your territory until you push us off ours?"

"What? You're overreacting, Commander. You know that is not how Clarke would act."

"Honestly, I no longer know what Clarke will or will not do. She has been different, and she has no care for the Trigedakru."

"If it makes you feel better we will adjust the border somewhere else to give you a few extra meters - to make up for this," Octavia offers easily.

"You speak as if the land is yours to freely give and take. You forget that any claim you Sky People make to land here on the ground, you only make because _we_ allow it. And I will not tolerate you whimsically adjusting the borders wherever you feel like it."

"Ok, ok… We're not whimsically adjusting borders. Clarke believes Mountain Weather can serve as a sanctuary for our people, should we ever need it. But in order to use Mount Weather we must remove the bodies first. So we are burying them here. That is all. Once we have buried them, we will be gone. And if you do not wish them buried on your side, we will find space elsewhere."

"I see…" Lexa simply says as she scans the area once again. Octavia's explanation seems to add up. It definitely explains why the Sky People would be digging holes and why there are bodies stacked on the far end of the clearing. The use of Mount Weather as a defensive base in unnecessary if they are to have peace, but she cannot blame Clarke for wanting to provide her people with more protection.

"I swear we did not mean any harm... or disrespect," Octavia adds, hoping Lexa will not make an issue of this.

"Alright. I will allow it, but my warriors and I will stay and supervise to ensure you do not encroach any further upon our land."

Octavia groans in frustration knowing none of the Sky People are going to be comfortable working with an audience of grounders following their every move.

Lexa ignores her, "We will stay until you are done."

"Well make yourself comfortable, it's going to be a while… or you know, you could pick up shovels and help us while you're at it," Octavia drawls sarcastically.

"Perhaps you are right. Tell us how we can help," Lexa answers as she motions her warriors to come closer.

"….what?" Octavia's jaw drops as she looks at Lexa in surprise, "You know I was only joking… right?

"Joking or not, you make a good point. My people worry if they hear rumors of you crossing the border, even if it's just a few steps. The sooner your work is completed, the better. My men can help and you will be finished by tomorrow."

It's tempting, very tempting for Octavia, but she hesitates because she knows Clarke is vehemently opposed to accepting any help from grounders.

"I'm not sure if Clarke would approve of this…."

"Clarke isn't here, Octavia," Lexa counters, "she's asked you to speak on her behalf. I'm sure you can see the benefit of our help. Or do you wish to be out with these bodies for a few more days?"

No, Octavia definitely does not. She wants to get this over with as soon as possible. The only reason she's even here is because she was worried Clarke might have a nervous breakdown being back at Mount Weather. Clarke might not want the grounders' help, but she also would be much better off not dwelling on this scene for very long.

Her mind made up, Octavia agrees with Lexa, "Alright, we were clearing that part on your side to create more space. Perhaps some of your men can continue with that. We have some extra shovels, so some of your other men can dig. Kane will tell them exactly how he wants the graves."

Lexa nods and turns to her men, giving orders in Trigedasleng to different groups of them. None of them complain or question Lexa's action. They just turn and get started.

"Lexa?" Octavia calls out when she's done, "Thank you."

"Just see it as a sign of our good faith for the upcoming negotiations," Lexa shrugs, hoping that the Sky People will indeed see this as a sign that the Trigedakru and the Sky People can work together again.

"But just so you know, my men will not be touching any of the bodies of the mountain men. It is demeaning and disgusting. I will not ask that of my men," she says firmly.

When Octavia nods her head in understanding, Lexa adds hesitantly, "Perhaps I could go down to the mountain and speak with Clarke now..."

"I… I'm not sure that's a very good idea…" Octavia says, shaking her head.

"Oh" Lexa sounds equal parts disappointed and irritated.

Not wanting to antagonize the Commander after she'd just offered her help, Octavia continues on, hoping Lexa will understand "It's not exactly you… It's just she's been here, dealing with the bodies of people whose deaths she is responsible for - or at least feels responsible for. It's hard on her. She doesn't need to be confronted with any more stressful things."

Of course… Lexa hadn't even considered what effect this would have on Clarke. The Clarke Lexa knew would have been devastated by this. She can only imagine how hard this would be for her. A part of her wants to head down to her right away to offer comfort, but she knows Octavia is right. Right now her presence would not be welcomed and she does not want to cause Clarke any more stress.

"Very well, perhaps another time."

* * *

Part V (over the radio)

"Clarke? You there?" Octavia radios in, knowing Clarke will be anxiously waiting to hear how the confrontation with Lexa went.

"Hey! How'd it go?" Clarke immediately responds. She had indeed been impatiently pacing back and forth with the radio in her hand waiting for Octavia to report back.

"It went very well actually… I've put the grounders to work. They're digging with us," Octavia answers triumphantly, as if she's accomplished some great feat.

"What? You're kidding right...? Please tell me you're kidding."

"I'm not. Lexa offered, so I didn't do anything rude if that's what you're worried about."

"OCTAVIA! This was not the plan! We don't _need _their help!" Clarke stomps on the ground in frustration; worried this might cause Lexa to jump to all sorts of conclusions. Like that she might be open to an alliance after all.

"Relax, Griffin…" Octavia sighs, "Lexa just wants us to be done as soon as possible. They were going to stand around and watch anyways. And you don't have to worry about running into Lexa, you can stay down there and load up the bodies. The grounders are staying up here."

"You sure?" Clarke knows she won't be able to hide the entire time, but she needs a little time to get herself back together before running into Lexa again.

"Yeah, unfortunately, Lexa doesn't expect her fighters to actually touch the bodies. She called it disgusting. Too bad… I would have loved to have them do the dirty work," Octavia scoffs as she says it.

"No, it's good that they won't," Clarke disagrees, "This is our mess, _my_ mess. I have to clean it up."

"I know, I know. We're going to finish for the day in a few hours. We'll set up camp a little higher up the mountain, away from the smell. I'll see you there?"

"Ok, keep me posted."

* * *

Part VI (next day)

Thanks to the help of the grounders the work is coming along nicely. Much faster than Clarke had expected. They've made good time, and will probably finish today, only a day later from when they started. Clarke doesn't want to admit it, but she's actually grateful for the help of the grounders.

She'd been back and forth between the mountain and the clearing a number of times now. Nearly all the bodies had been brought up. They'd started lowering them into the graves and covering them up.

It would have been impossible to retrace the names of all the people, so the graves are unmarked. It didn't sit right with Clarke so she had ordered a large piece of scrap metal be brought from the ark, to be placed on the front end of the clearing.

On it she had engraved a single phrase: "Here lie the people of Mount Weather, who committed terrible crimes in the name of survival, but who were not all without honor or courage." Around the edges of the plaque she had asked Jasper and the others of the 46 to engrave as many names as they could remember of the people in the mountain who had helped. It was only a small tribute, but it felt better than nothing.

Clarke had been careful to avoid Lexa during her moments in the clearing. She'd nodded her thanks at some of the grounders, but had meticulously avoided any and all eye contact with the Commander.

Despite finding it extremely difficult, Lexa had stayed clear of Clarke as well, wanting to give her the space she obviously desired. From the corner of her eyes, however, she had watched Clarke's every move. One thing was obvious: Clarke did not look well.

Her hair was disheveled and messy. Her clothes and face were streaked with dirt and what were probably bits of human remains. Occasionally she would stop and stare into the distance, deep in thought - Lexa could only wonder what about. She worked relentlessly, only pausing to stop by the graves that were being covered up, always muttering a string of words Lexa couldn't make out from where she stood.

What was visible of her face was pale and there was a slight tremble in her step as she walked. Lexa wasn't sure whether it was from physical or emotional exhaustion, but it was enough to concern her. She'd approached Octavia to urge her to tell Clarke to rest but Octavia had shrugged her off, saying Clarke wasn't listening to her. That Clarke probably wouldn't agree to rest until they were finished.

But a few hours later when the sun was at its highest, blazing down on them, and Clarke still hadn't stopped to eat or drink, despite everyone else taking a break, Lexa had had enough.

She walked up to Clarke, holding out her water jug, "Drink."

"Huh?" Clarke slightly jumps, not having seen Lexa approach, "I'm fine," she dismisses, quickly looking away.

"Fine or not fine, you cannot work all day without drinking. Drink," Lexa impatiently holds out her water jug, urging Clarke to take it.

"I'm working, I'll drink later," she says, brushing Lexa off, as she walks away towards whatever next task she feels she needs to do.

But Lexa doesn't miss a step and follows closely behind. "Now."

Her demanding tone, cause Clarke to turn and raise her eyebrows, slightly glaring at the Commander for daring to give her orders. Lexa doesn't back down, however, but simply stares back expectantly.

Not having the energy to argue any further with the Commander, Clarke gives in and reaches out to take a large swig from the jug and then hands it back to Lexa. She sighs in appreciation, not having realized how dry her mouth had been.

"Sorry…" Clarke mutters as she watches Lexa discreetly wipe the grimy dirt her hands had smudged all over the jug off with the edge of her shirt.

Lexa just shrugs but slightly wrinkles her nose as she takes in her surroundings. Until now she had stayed on the far end of the clearing, opting to stay as far away as possible from the bodies. She is not unused to death, but these corpses have been dead for ten days, making it extremely unpleasant. Not to mention the hundreds of flies buzzing about.

"You smell of death," she observes to Clarke.

"Huh… well, I guess that's only fitting since I'm the bringer of death and all that," Clarke scoffs bitterly waving her arms to indicate all the deaths of her doing.

"That is not how I would describe you," Lexa shakes her head in disagreement.

"Really? And how exactly would you describe me if not as the bringer of death? Because I'm pretty sure that if the 400 corpses on the ground here could speak, they would disagree with you," Clarke counters sarcastically.

"Perhaps in this instance, to the mountain men, you were indeed the bringer of death. But you are much more than that. By defeating the mountain, you were also the bringer of peace and life to your people," Lexa states evenly, "and since I met you, you have always been the bringer of hope," she adds quietly.

The words are spoken so genuinely that for a moment Clarke doesn't know quite how to respond, but then she shrugs it off, opting for the detached, "whatever… hope is overrated."

Once again Lexa is taken aback at how different this Clarke is from the one she knew before Mount Weather. A grim cynicism seems to have taken over her attitude towards everything. She tries to think of something she could say that might offer Clarke real comfort in this moment, but when she looks up, Clarke has already moved on.

She's bent over the body of what seems to be a young boy, gently folding his arms across his chest. She smoothes out his hair as best she can and then picks him to lower him in the next grave. "Hope…. yeah right…" is all she mutters as she does so, tears pricking at her eyes.

It worries Lexa how personally Clarke is taking this all, "I think it would be best if you took a break and ate something, Clarke. If you continue like this, you will not make it to the end of the day."

"Look, thanks for the water, but I'm fine."

"You _think_ you are fine, but you are not. Have you even slept lately?"

"I don't know what you might think, but I don't need your help. If I say I'm fine, I'm fine."

"You don't need to take your break _with_ me, if you do not want. So long as you take a break. That is all I'm suggesting," Lexa sighs in frustration at Clarke's stubbornness.

"I _don't _need a break! Just… just leave me alone, Lexa" Clarke snaps, tired of Lexa badgering her.

Lexa scrunches her face in confusion, not understanding Clarke's harshness. She is simply suggesting the girl take a short break. But this Clarke, it's like talking to a wall. Nothing gets through.

"Alright… alright," she sighs turning to leave.

Clarke watches Lexa walk away, feeling strangely disappointed to see her go. She hadn't meant to be abrupt and dismissive with Lexa - it was just being here… the mountain. It brought out the worst in her. And truth is, she really is exhausted. She knows Lexa and Octavia and literally everyone who has passed her and told her to take a break are right.

Despite her insistence on wanting to keep working, her feet follow Lexa of their own accord. A break won't kill her, she thinks tiredly as she sinks to the ground a couple feet away from where Lexa herself has squatted to the ground and is cutting open a fruit.

Lexa lifts her eyebrows in surprise, but otherwise does not comment on Clarke's change of mind.

When neither initially breaks the silence, Clarke offers up a simple answer to Lexa's earlier question, "I haven't."

"What?"

"You asked if I've slept lately. I haven't…" Clarke doesn't know why she's admitting this to Lexa, or why she's even started talking. Whenever she's around Lexa, she seems to be unable to help herself.

"I thought so," Lexa simply responds, handing then hands the fruit she's just cut to Clarke, who gratefully accepts.

As Clarke eats, Lexa hesitantly follows up with the question that has been burning on her mind ever since Octavia had told her what they were doing, "Do you blame me for this too?"

Clarke stops abruptly, fruit midway to her mouth, "Noo… of course not, is that what you think?"

"I do not know what to think. You speak to me with anger… Perhaps you would not have had to make the decision you made, if I had honored the alliance," Lexa trails off questioningly.

"I blame you for many things, Commander. But this is not one of them. This is on me. I wish I could blame you for this - it would be easier - perhaps it would lift the weight I carry. But I cannot blame anyone but myself. _I _killed these people."

"You shouldn't take it so personally," is all Lexa can think to offer up.

"Then how should I take it?"

"There is no way to 'take' it. This was war. People die. The war is over now. You must look to the future and not dwell on the dead." Lexa states matter-of-factly.

"You say it like that's supposed to be easy. I suppose you and your people must find it incredibly weak of me, that I am here honoring the dead of my enemy." It really does bother Clarke that the grounders are here, obviously witnessing her in a bad place. She's a far cry from the girl who had met with Lexa to discuss a truce just a few days ago, swearing to bury her emotions and convey strength in all things.

"I would not worry about my people."

"And why is that?"

"You may be here to show the dead respect and as I understand it, you do so by burying them, as those are your traditions. But my people won't see it like that," Lexa explains, "According to our customs, we must burn our dead, so their spirits will be set free and can find a new body to be born into. By burying them you have trapped the souls and spirits of the mountain men forever. My warriors think you are taking precautions to make sure their spirits will never be free to be reborn again. They respect you for it."

"And you? What do you think?" Clarke questions.

"I do not understand why you feel the need to honor the dead of your enemy. If you wished to clear the mountain, you could have dropped them in the reaper tunnels to rot or if you really wanted to bury them, you could have dug one pit. These were not the first dead by your hand, and they will not be the last. It is not wise to act on guilt."

"So you do see it as weakness then?" Clarke presses.

"This act, perhaps yes I do see it as weakness," Lexa answers truthfully, "But that does not mean I perceive you to be weak. A weaker person would not have been able to make the decision you made."

Clarke just hums in response, not quite knowing whether she agrees or disagrees with Lexa's assessment.

"The strength you have always had is still there", Lexa continues, "but you cannot feel it because you choose to dwell on guilt and things past. You must find those things that the old Clarke focused on to find strength.

"And what did this so-called 'old Clarke' focus on?" Clarke asks mockingly.

"Love and hope."

"Really? Love and hope? Who are you and what have you done with the Commander?" Clarke asks her voice dripping with sarcasm, love and hope being two words she did not expect to hear coming from the Commander's mouth.

"What?" Lexa looks confused, not understanding the expression. "I am the Commander."

"It's just an expression… never mind…" Clarke rolls her eyes, "It just does not sound like you at all, to be telling me to focus on love and hope."

"I did not say they were my strength or that I would focus on them, but you and I are different, and they were your strength before, they can be your strength again."

"Well… I doubt that. Love… hah!," Clarke scoffs bitterly, "that is one thing I can no longer afford."

"And why is that?" Lexa asks not understanding

"Because love is weakness" Clarke states emotionless, her voice not betraying anything.

Her words unsettle Lexa. She watches Clarke wordlessly, speechless. Curiously, she suddenly understands the expression Clarke had just used, wondering where the Clarke she knew had gone.

When Lexa doesn't respond, at a loss for words, Clarke raises her eyebrows, "What? Isn't that exactly what _you_ taught me? It seems like you've been right all along, Commander" Lexa's title falling off her tongue in a sneer.

Yes, yes it was exactly what Lexa had tried to teach Clarke. She remembered their conversations exactly. She especially remembered Clarke's stubbornness and her absolute confidence in the fact that love was in fact strength and not weakness.

"You cannot be serious…" Lexa finally stutters uncertainly.

Clarke's hand slips into her pocket, once again finding that slip of paper she keeps there at all times. She'd quickly grown into the habit of reaching for it when she feels her mask slipping and her emotions getting the better of her, as it has been doing frequently over the last two days.

"I assure you I am." Somehow saying it brings a certain calm to Clarke that she hasn't felt since arriving back at Mount Weather the day before. All the guilt had made her lose perspective, but her conversation with Lexa had brought her back to the new truth in her life. That love and hope, or better yet all emotions - _including_ guilt - were dangerous. And weakness.

Lexa had been right that coming here, allowing herself to give in to the guilt she feels had been weak. She needs to get her emotions under control. But guilt was hard to fight especially when you were surrounded by the horror your actions had caused.

While she doesn't actually regret the act of honoring the dead of Mount Weather - many of them had in fact helped her people - she does regret the effect she has allowed it to have on her. As leader of her people, she can't afford to allow guilt to take the upper hand. Even if she can't stop feeling the guilt - which Clarke knows she cannot - she at least needs to find a way to bury it, to push it down. To suppress it to a simple ache in her stomach, rather than a pain that takes over her entire being.

Being here has fractured her mask. Listening to Lexa speak of hope and love will only fracture it further. Her walls were already crumbling due to the emotional exhaustion of being at Mount Weather and Lexa has always been able to get through to her in a way no one else could.

She needs to get back to work and finish what she came here to do. She needs to close this ugly chapter of Mount Weather behind her and never look back. All that she needs to remember about Mount Weather are the lessons it taught her. That she needs to be stronger and smarter. That she shouldn't trust anyone but herself with the lives of her people. That survival was all that mattered. And that love was weakness.

"Clarke, I was wrong… about love being weakness," Lexa calls out, as she sees Clarke turning to get back to work, a slight pleading tone in her voice.

"No, you weren't" Clarke counters evenly, turning back slightly, silently staring at Lexa. It reminds Lexa of their meeting in the woods a few days earlier, when they had decided on the truce.

It was the same Clarke as then. Confident, but at the same time detached. The burden of guilt and pain blinked away from her eyes, leaving nothing but an empty stare.

Lexa looks into Clarke's eyes then, really looks into them.

She sees them. Reads them. Recognizes them. They are her eyes. Her own eyes.

The look on Clarke's face is the same look that greets Lexa every morning as she looks in her scrap of mirror. A look she's worn ever since Costia's death. Ever since she'd realized that love is more trouble than it's worth. Ever since she'd decided that emotions were a luxury she couldn't afford anymore.

Ever since she'd started telling herself that love is weakness.

From the moment she'd met Clarke, she had tried to convince Clarke of this very fact, but Clarke had always obstinately disagreed with her.

_Why did she have to start listening now? _

At the truce-meeting Lexa had not understood what had happened to Clarke. Now she did. Clarke had been hit with more pain and death than she could handle and had protected herself in the only way she thought possible. By shutting everything out. By convincing herself that love was weakness.

Lexa understood this, perhaps better than anyone.

A feeling of dismay settles in the pit of her stomach, as the horrifying thought hits Lexa that she is to blame. She is to blame for Clarke feeling so betrayed by the world that she has no choice but to shut everything out.

Lexa has broken Clarke. Much like the Ice Nation had broken her with Costia's death. Had convinced her that she'd been to blame. That if only she hadn't loved Costia, Costia would still be alive.

They'd left her no choice but to make sure she would never be broken again and that no one - especially her people - would be compromised because she couldn't control her feelings. Building walls around herself and avoiding love at all costs had seemed like her only choice.

It _had_ been her only choice.

But Clarke is different. Clarke doesn't have to believe that love is weakness to be strong. _Love_ was Clarke's strength. Clarke _had_ to see that.

As she watches Clarke silently back at work, she can tell that Clarke has slipped her mask back on. There is no tremble to her step or her hands as she carries the bodies. Her eyes do not linger on the bodies as they did before; she just disposes of them in the graves before quickly moving on the next one. There is a cold efficiency to her actions.

But Lexa knows better. Clarke may be wearing a mask, but it is just that: a mask. It is not who Clarke is, it is simply who she is forcing herself to be in order to survive. Lexa has worn her own mask for so long, that it has become a part of who she is. More like a second skin than a mask.

But for Clarke, for Clarke it is still just a mask. And Lexa knows that the same, beautiful Clarke as before is still there, underneath and behind it. The passionate and optimistic Sky Girl, brimming with hope, who will do anything in the name of love, is still there.

Watching from a distance, Lexa vows to herself that she will not allow Clarke to bury that part of herself. She will not allow Clarke to turn herself into something that makes her unrecognizable from the Clarke from before Mount Weather.

She will undo the damage her betrayal has caused. She won't let Clarke go down the same lonely and difficult path that Lexa has been going down for years. Clarke deserves better.

Just like Clarke had once convinced Lexa that love didn't always mean weakness, it was now Lexa's turn to convince Clarke of the same. Clarke doesn't have to love Lexa. Clarke just needs to know that it's okay to love. That it won't make her weak. Because Clarke is the strongest person Lexa has ever met and nothing can change that.

* * *

Part VII (last conversation)

It's a couple hours later. The end is in sight. All the graves have been dug; it's just a matter of placing the bodies in them and then covering them up. The work the Trigedakru had been doing was finished. The rest was up to the Sky People.

Lexa orders her warriors to pack up their stuff and get ready to return camp, as she heads towards Clarke to let her know they are leaving.

She taps Clarke on the shoulder, when Clarke doesn't hear her coming, "Clarke…?"

"Commander? I really have to keep working… I don't need another break." Clarke answers with a sigh, but she does pause to listen to what Lexa has to say.

Lexa can't help the laugh that escapes her mouth, "That is not why I am here, although perhaps you should take another break. Either way, the Trigedakru work here is done. My warriors and I will return to Ton DC now, so we may arrive before dark."

"Oh, of course. I understand. The Sky People are grateful for your assistance today. Thank you, Commander," Clarke responds formally.

When Lexa doesn't turn to leave, but instead hesitantly shifts her weight from one foot to the other, contemplating whether to say anything else, Clarke lifts her eyebrows and asks, "What? Was there anything else?"

"No… I just…" Seemingly making up her mind then, Lexa clumsily slips off the bracelet from around her wrist. It's a slim leather band, threaded with different thick, chunky beads, each with its own shape and inscriptions. Clarke had never paid it much attention before, aside from having noticed that it was always around Lexa's wrist.

"Here…" Lexa says, cautiously holding it out in front of her, indicating Clarke should take it.

"Huh?" is all Clarke responds with a questioning look on her face, not moving to accept the bracelet from Lexa.

"You said you have trouble sleeping."

"Yeah?" Clarke answers, not understanding how that was particularly relevant at this moment.

Lexa continues to awkwardly hold out the bracelet in front of her as she explains, "It is because you fear the dreams - is it not? The spirits of the dead haunt you. This charm, it can help you fight the spirits, so you can sleep peacefully."

"Really…?" Clarke says, looking skeptical.

"It cannot defeat the spirits that haunt you _for_ you. Only you can do that. But it does offer strength in the night."

"How?" Clarke questions, having been raised with hard science, rather than superstition.

"It was made by the first Trigedakru people, the ones who survived the Great War that destroyed the worlds. It has great power. I had killed many times before becoming Commander, but only after I became Commander, did the dead truly haunt me. Every death - warrior, enemy or innocent villager - I felt them - weighing on me. I saw their faces in the night. Their spirits always hovering around me."

"So this amulet helped you defeat the 'spirits'?" Clarke asks, still skeptical, but at the same time struck by how well Lexa seemed to understand her. She had not mentioned any dreams to Lexa and yet Lexa had known - had experienced the same thing.

"Defeat them? No, I do not know if you can ever truly defeat them" Lexa answers truthfully, "I still see faces in the night sometimes. But they no longer hold any power over me. They do not haunt me as they once did. I have learned to live with them… As shall you."

"Please," Lexa continues, taking a step closer and holding out the bracelet towards Clarke. "This amulet gave me strength at a time when my own strength wavered. I wish you to have it… it is the least I can do", she adds quietly.

"I don't think I can accept this," Clarke shakes her head, not wanting to accept help from Lexa. Afraid that accepting the gift would mean admitting that her own strength was indeed 'wavering'.

"Isn't it like a Commander-thing or something? Won't your people be angry if you give away something like this?" she questions.

"My mother, who knew my weaknesses better than I did, gifted it to me after my first battle as Commander."

Clarke looks up in surprise, it being the first time Lexa had mentioned her mother to her. "Where is your mother now?"

"Dead," Lexa answers simply as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Yeah, now I really can't accept this," Clarke says, not wanting to take something that belonged to Lexa's mother from her. Realizing that this was in fact an extremely personal gift and that if she wanted to keep her formal Commander-to-Chancellor boundaries in place, she could not accept.

Clarke does not want to offend the Commander by declining her gift, but she also knows she has to keep her distance. She has to avoid these personal conversations from now on. The days of sharing and entrusting their experiences with each other were over. Now they are only Commander and Chancellor - leaders of two people groups who did not even like each other. And Clarke won't risk allowing Lexa - or herself for that matter - to think they are anything other than that.

"Clarke, it is mine, I am free to give it to who I want. You can return it to me once you have overcome your demons," Lexa offers.

"I'm sorry, Commander, but I cannot accept," Clarke repeats a third time and then knowing Lexa will probably continue insisting if she doesn't put a stop to their conversation, finishes with a "Have a safe journey back to Ton DC", before brusquely walking off, not looking back.

Lexa watches her go, growling in frustration at Clarke's resistance. She feels helpless. Any efforts to help Clarke are met with such opposition, that she wonders if the girl will ever allow her to help her again.

As she turns to leave as well, knowing she won't be able to convince Clarke to accept, her eyes fall on Clarke's jacket that the girl had taken off during their break earlier. After a quiet minute of deliberation, she resolutely walks toward it and slips the bracelet into its front pocket. _There, now Clarke won't be able to refuse._

She smirks in satisfaction and then signals her people, who have finished packing up, as she heads into the woods, back to Ton Dc.

* * *

Part VIII (Camp Jaha)

It's late, well after midnight when they finally make it back to Camp Jaha. They could have chosen to camp back at the mountain, but with the work done, no one had wanted to dwell there any longer.

Despite the exhaustion from the past two days, Clarke tosses and turns on her mat. Every time, she drifts off into sleep, visions of the mutated bodies of Mount Weather children shock her back awake. She'd thought the burial of the mountain people would provide her with closure, would allow her to put it in the past, but it has seemingly only brought it straight to the forefront of her mind.

She fights it, telling herself over and over again to be strong. That guilt will only hurt her abilities as a leader, but Lexa was right - the faces don't just go away.

Still, Lexa had admitted to struggling with dreams of the dead and she had managed to keep going despite it. If Lexa could do it, she could too, Clarke thinks obstinately.

She unconsciously reaches into her jacket pocket. During her sleepless nights she'd grown into the habit of folding and refolding the little piece of paper, reminding herself of the words on it as she does so. Instead of grabbing the scrap of paper, however, she feels something foreign and hard. Pulling it out she holds it up to the candlelight in her room. It's the bracelet Lexa had offered her.

_Dammit, Lexa. _She growls silently at Lexa's stubbornness and inability to take no for an answer.

Without thinking, she slips it on, idly twirling it around as she recalls her conversation with Lexa. If she's being honest, she's missed her conversations with Lexa. Lexa had always had a way of knowing exactly what Clarke meant without Clarke having to spell it out.

They were different, one from the ground and one from the sky, but as leaders they had had something in common. Lexa, far more experienced with being Commander (than Clarke who had kind of rolled into her position as leader of her people) had been somewhat of a mentor to Clarke. Even though they often disagreed, Clarke now finds herself missing Lexa's guidance.

The Lexa she had spoken with today was the same Lexa Clarke had always known, cared for and trusted. She had still been controlled and practical, but there had been a gentleness to her words as well. A gentleness that Clarke had only encountered on a few occasions - like when they'd shared their one and only kiss in the tent before the battle. A gentleness that had always been reserved just for Clarke.

Clarke misses those moments more than anything. When Lexa would drop her mask and trust Clarke with a raw, vulnerable side of herself.

A part of Clarke wants to lay back and simply soak in Lexa's words from the afternoon. It's tempting, oh so tempting, to let herself believe - if just for a second - that Lexa might be right. Maybe love and hope _were_ her strengths.

But as soon as the thought crosses her mind, she mentally kicks herself in anger. _What is she doing? Listening to Lexa? Missing Lexa? Believing Lexa? _

It must be her exhaustion talking, I mean, weren't these exactly the things that had caused all her problems in the first place?

How can she, _after everything, _even entertain the thought that love was strength?

It didn't even make sense that Lexa would be encouraging her to focus on love and hope. Didn't Lexa despise them as weakness?

In the back of her mind, the thought crosses Clarke's mind that perhaps this was another trick of Lexa's - to weaken her resolve before the upcoming negotiations with the 12 clans.

Trick or no trick, Clarke shouldn't even be listening to Lexa. Lexa had been the root of all her problems. Her love for Lexa had caused her to be blind to the grounders' treachery. Her love for Lexa had nearly cost her people their lives.

Now more than ever, she needs to stay strong. She cannot and will not repeat her mistakes. She cannot allow Lexa to get in her head.

With a sigh of frustration, she pulls the bracelet off and shoves it under her bed, resolving to return it to Lexa first thing at the negotiations in a week.

* * *

_**I hope you guys didn't find the whole idea of this chapter too weird. If there's one thing that's bugged me since the finale, it's the thought of all those bodies just rotting away in Mount Weather. So I wrote this, to give myself and all our characters a bit of closure.**_

_**I wanted to get everything related to the body cleanup in one chapter, which is why this ended up being longer than usual. Don't expect every chapter from now on to be this length ; ) **_

_**Anywhoo, I wrote like 12,000 words for you guys, so maybe you could drop just a few words in the box below to let me know what you think xD **_

_**Either way, see ya next time!**_


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